Disappointment

Some days are good, some days are bad. Some days are happy days, some days are disappointing. And today was just another day I got disappointed with myself. For again and again, the same regret.

At the office today, we had a short gathering with the whole floor for a little year-end wrap up. The leaders presented the overall agendas of the year that we’ve executed and involved, our achievements, pitfalls and whatnot. At the end of the session there was a quiz given for us to answer. The prize was two free movie tickets! The movie, date and time of own selection and they have two sets to offer.

I’m not a movie junkie but watching movie at the cinemas is one casual thing I’d think of doing once in a while. But every time also I’d rather not spend on this because you know, even if I had extra money to binge on, cinemas would be the among the last things on the list. So these free tickets would make my next visit to the cinema! I want ittttt…!!

The topic earlier was about all the great effort the company has done for the employees so the question was this – “What are you going to tell others out there about working in BP? Raise your hand!”

Was the question so hard to answer? Hey. I told you I loveeee working in here so much I have long list of reasons why and what makes this place a good place to work and I have a lot to tell others and bla bla bla.

But now was not about what I have in mind. It’s about raising my hand and voicing it out!! But what happened to my hands?? They’re clipped together soooo tightly and there was like elephant glue spread thickly in between my armpits. Being typical Asians, volunteering is just a big deal! Me being coward as always though I thought I’ve told myself to always be brave, take the chance and have a go no matter how it would turn out. I told myself most time we more often regret those things which we do not do than those which we do.

But no. That was just actually a fake pledge. When the time actually comes, I’m just being my lame self who forgets whatever motivations I had planted in my minds before. They’re all just dying inside and sprouting back uncertainty, shyness and excuses. And so I missed the chance! And so I missed that two free movie ticketttttsss!!!

Such a loser again. And you know what the winners answered the question with? The first one said about the opportunity to improve the processes basically about work but the way she said was just like shooting whatever words from the mouth which equals to bla bla bla and yeah she got it. I thought ah okay I got a stronger point but urmm…wait…urmmm….nah, another person has raised her hand and you know what she answered?? “I will tell others that BP is a great place to work.” That’s all. THAT WAS ALL with no further explanation and the director nodded with “yes yes and here’s your prize.” And what made it worse was she’s sitting just beside me! What the hell was I thinking???

I’m just so so disappointed with myself. You see, it’s not totally about the prize or what but it’s actually about missing the chance. It’s the regret of not trying. It’s the useless overthinking and wasting the time that never waits! Why am I like this? Huhuhu…. I told my husband this and he just said that ‘ah it’s just not your rezeki today’ but no, it’s not plainly about rezeki but it’s about effort too.

I once read an article about “How to be Lucky?” haha something like that. It says that most times lucky people are not genuinely lucky. They usually make effort to get themselves in the lucky-list no matter how little the chance of winnings. Competitions on TVs, radios or whatever advertisement with simple conditions yet amazing prizes; these ‘lucky people’ would take the chance, do whatever they gotta do and just wait and see. And always when we see people winning this and that we’d say oh how lucky they are but hey no, how could they win it if they didn’t even enter their names? It’s all about the effort that counts.

I’m just so so disappointed with myself today and I have no more motivational words to tell myself. Thanks for reading, sorry for the negative vibes. 😦

Till the next post,
SALZY

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