Errasy’s Birth Story

Earlier this year, I went through some tough times raising my 2 year-old toddler who was in the terrible twos phase. It was a real struggle to face his tantrums almost every single day and night when anything I did couldn’t settle his cry. Once he got disappointed just for a tiny thing, his tantrums would last up to more than an hour with non-stop crying and screaming. Can you imagine?

I was so stressed and felt like giving up. One night I isolated myself away and decided to blog about him and his current temperament so I poured all my unhappy feelings in a note book for me to type later. Today is his birthday. I flipped the notes that I wrote months ago and somehow, it curved a smile on my face. The tough motherhood phase has passed; my baby is now a happy boy! At least most of the time, not like before Alhamdulillah. So I cancelled my intention to write all the things in my notes because today is his 3rd birthday, I wanna reminisce the sweet memories of me giving birth to him.

Errasy was born through a planned C-section. I was all awake during the operation waiting for my baby to be pulled out from my tummy. It was a different experience, scary because when I delivered my first born, I was unconscious. This time, I savoured every moment in the operation theatre (OT) in my nervousness.

The atmosphere in the OT was quite relaxed even though everyone was moving around, here and there. I think I heard music being played if I was not mistaken but that was not my focus. During the operation, these people were having conversations with each other like there’s nothing going on in the room when actually, they were cutting my tummy layer by layer okay. In my mind thinking, maybe this c-sect operation is just like cutting onions to them especially for non-emergency case like this. Haha, my God! What a creepy thinking while on the surgery table.

Now comes the most thrilling part to me. When the ‘cutting’ process was completed, they informed me that in a little while they will pull my baby out. My heart was pounding fast, excited and nervous at the same time. When they took a peek at the baby who was still positioned in my tummy, the doctor’s assistant instantly said to me – “Emmm…..the baby is just like you.” She said it in a very casual way making me feel so curious. What did she mean? What did the ‘like-you’ like? I wanted to ask but I felt so weird to be talking when I knew my tummy was wide open and bloody so I kept it to myself, wondering in silence.

In less than a minute, Errasy was safely born and immediately shown to me. Such a beautiful moment and again the assistant said to me – “See…he is so fair! Justttt like you!” Awww….. Was that what she meant earlier? I was soooo over the moon the second I heard that. Having to see my baby fresh from the oven was already wonderful, the remark from her beautifies the moment even more I was so speechless!

Errasy was then taken by the nurses and the operation continued but I couldn’t stop smiling in bliss. It was one beautiful moment throughout the delivery process that will forever stay in my memory. The words “the baby is just like you, he is so fair just like you” stuck in my mind repeatedly whenever I throwback my second maternity journey and even every time when I look at my baby who now has turned 3 years old, today.

errasy newborn

Excuse this vain mommy people! Haha… the same comment if uttered at any other time wouldn’t make me feel flattered like this. It’s just because it happened at that very time, it created an unforgettable mommy-moment to me and I gotta record it in words, mind me. Hehe.. And I believe every mother also has her own exclusive cloud nine moment when giving birth to each child, right! *Care to explain. Ahaks*

My second baby, my second pregnancy. His coming was a surprise, I didn’t expect that I’d get pregnant again when my first born was only 10 months old. Such an unexpected gift, enlivens our lives with his funny characters I called him an entertainer in this family.

ayadean

Dear Errasy Eddean,

Happy 3rd Birthday my baby! May you grow healthy, wealthy, wise and lucky. Be a good boy now and rise as a good man in the future. Thank you for bringing so much happiness to us, we’re so blessed to have you as that cutie little brother. Stay close and clingy to Mom as you always do, I may seem annoyed with your childishness but please know that, deep inside my heart I’m loving every bit of it!

Mom loves you so much, Ayash Ayadean.. Always, and forever. Happy Birthday. 

Till the next post,
SALZY

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Current Mommy-Feelings

I had a conversation with my 4-year-old boy about having a baby. My 4-year-old son demands a baby! No, not a baby. He wants two babies! Two babies for goodness sake, haha. I guess it’s something common for mommies with toddlers to come across this kind of situations. When kids are growing up to an age that they know there are humans littler and cuter than they are, they become so fascinated over and they wanna own them! I think in their minds, babies are the most sophisticated toys they could ever have, so they start demanding for ones. Ready for that, mommies!

While entertaining all his quests about this funny matter, I also came to wondering; when is my time for the next one? My youngest child is turning three very soon so that means, it’s been almost three years since I started calling myself a mother-of-two. Then, when am I going to be a mother-of-three? I have mixed feelings when thinking about it.

First, I do want more children. Having only two kids makes relatively a small family. In my life, I’ve been imagining myself having a slightly bigger family comprising of…four kids? Or three or five. But not two because two is very little even I myself have 6 siblings hehe. Erm, yes I imagine my life. We all do, no? Hahaha. So yes, I’m wanting a baby number 3!

But threeee? Two parents and three kids, outnumbered! Even now we’re so handful with these two boys I can’t imagine handling three kids at a time. Commitment. Commitment. Physically, mentally and the hardest part is… financially. Hmm, well.. I always thought to myself that children are blessings, they bring more and more rizq to us even though the expenses are going to spike up. But hmm again…sometimes my faith is not strong enough that now and again I do feel shaken when staring at the excel sheet of my salary projection, baby number 3 goes out of sight at all. Sigh for my poor conviction.

Baby #3 doesn’t come down straight from the sky! S/he comes through another pregnancy so when pregnancy being mentioned, that also means morning sicknesses, backaches and stretch marks coming altogether. I feel so heavy picturing another round of 9-month tummy hopping but hey that’s not bad. Being pregnant is fun! At least based on my last twos, second trimester onwards were pretty smooth sailings. I enjoyed foods so very much! And it was nice having a tiny resident in me too so yeah I miss being pregnant. Aww..

Giving birth? Erm..this is a little trouble. I had two caesarean deliveries before so surely expecting another one next. When it’s a planned operation, it’s usually smooth and steady so I’m okay about that but there are certain procedures I dislike so much making me feel so reluctant if I had to go through those all over again. But it’s called a package so what to do? Nobody said giving birth is ever easy.

All in all, what I’m craving so much is the newborn baby smell! And of course the baby itself because I love babies!! I miss doing all those baby-thingies like swaddling them, breastfeeding and bathing. Confinement period was bliss to me. The first baby year is gonna be topsy-turvy but also the most interesting one. The phase that will grow us not just in parenting but also in life and as a person ourselves to be.

Anyhow, always, after all the thinking and contemplating, I will collect all these thoughts, embrace and release them all up high to the sky of tawakkul. After all, no matter how I thought of the possibilities and the impossibilities, everything is up to Allah’s plans for me and my family and His arrangement is definitely the best! And even if I am not destined to have any more kids, and that only Edhany & Errasy are my all offspring, I will always be thankful and happy with this little family of mine. These hopes and anxieties are just my current mommy-feelings.

Till the next post,
SALZY

Caesarean is a Gift

I feel called to write about this. Caesarean, a way to deliver a baby that’s usually a second option, the least preferred, the most avoided. Always, caesarean is perceived as an unlucky event for mothers not getting to birth the normal way. Always, we hear in our community, delivering normal is a rizq, a blessing for the mother so when another gives birth caesarean-ly, it’s really common for her to say or people say to her, “It’s okay, no rizq (chance) to give normal birth this time.” Or, we’re “thankful that it was all safe ‘even though’ it was through operation.” Always the case, right? I was also accustomed to that up to a point somehow I don’t feel right saying it that way.

Caesarean mothers, can we stop saying it that way anymore? Saying no rizq or even though… is like focusing on the things we don’t get and marking our labor journey as less fortunate than it should be. When actually, after being told that the operation was successful and our baby has been safely delivered, isn’t it a huge blessing from God? Of course. So when we’re feeling unsettled about not giving normal birth or they (the doctors) shouldn’t rush to decide to cut us open or they should’ve waited a bit longer so the baby might be out vaginally; isn’t it like we overlooked the actual rizq that God has given us which – the chance to go through caesarean process?

Yes, giving birth by caesarean is a rizq. It is a chance for us to experience being cut open to welcome our baby to the world. It is such a wonderful and miraculous process happening on our body while we’re lying safe and sound. In a matter of an hour, the world is shined with the arrival of our baby, our tummy is closed back and we’re forever marked with a golden scar of love. Of course after that we have to endure the post-op pain and restrictions but to me, either it’s SVD (Spontaneous Vaginal Delivery) or Caesarean, each has its own fair share of ease and pain. So when we’re chosen to undergo this process, this is our precious journey and we should be grateful that it happened the way it happened. And for that, rather than saying “It’s okay, no rizq for me to give normal birth”, I think we should be saying; “Thank God, this is a rizq for me to experience caesarean process. Allah has blessed me with the chance to give birth through caesarean. Caesarean is a gift.” Can feel the difference?

Am I trying to say that Caesarean birth is more special than another? No. SVD is definitely wonderful and miraculous. It’s a blessing, it’s a precious journey and it’s also a gift, absolutely. Know that I’m not differentiating these two. I’m differentiating the way we look at things. This is just my opinion and this is what I’ve been holding to myself since a while after the post c-sect of my first born. If you can see, the difference of saying “It’s okay” and “Thank God” is the reflection of acceptance and gratitude; redha and syukur. Acceptance is good, but gratitude is another level to please Allah The Almighty for what He has planned for us. Indeed that how our labor journey took place was all already in His plans, right? Doesn’t He know best?

When I chose to be grateful on top of accepting this, my mind was brought to recall more and more blessings related to the birth of my babies. First was the blessing of getting married, and then getting pregnant, having smooth pregnancies and finally, the arrival of the new bundles of joy that I got to see, kiss and hold. There certainly were ups and downs but still this entire journey is too beautiful to be scratched by the little frustration for having been operated. We mustn’t want to scratch our precious gift, right? And there, a little change in our utterance makes a whole lot of difference.

Till the next post,
SALZY

A Dream Job You’re Wishing For

BP

I received this letter last week unexpectedly, just because I forgot my anniversary with the company that I stepped in 5 years ago. 5 years! A complete set of fingers to tell me that I’ve been here for such a significant duration. 5 years of undeniable blessings I can say. Having a job, a solid source of income is really something we can’t take for granted of that we should be thankful every day, not only on paydays okay. In total, I’ve been working for 8 years since I graduated and this is the second company I work for. 8 years and 2 companies – pretty loyal, no? Hehe, or maybe just unaggressive in finding opportunities.

I began my career journey in 2009 and what I can say is it was not a good start. The first company I worked for taught me the harsh truth of working life. Unreasonably heavy work load, bad boss, stupid system and sickening people surrounding me every day. It was so stressful and in fact the most stressful period of my life making me traumatic if I throwback the moments. Driving to work felt like handling a cable car – so heavy and the weather was always gloomy all the way to the workplace. In those 3 years, I lost appetite badly and turned from an originally thin girl to almost anorexic. That’s how ugly a bad job could make of me and that’s a true story.

Of course there were still good things I should be thankful for – the knowledge, the experience and there were still nice people I could talk to – and yes I did, thanked God for every little thing I gained from the company. And thank God I have my mom, she was there listening to my whine every time I came home crying. That was all my motivation when dealing with the depression with the hope that things would change for me even though I thought it was impossible. It was my first job and that concluded an impression that working life was never a good thing. I wanted to go back to my wonderful and happening university life but that was just impossible. And it was also impossible for me to not work because I am an adult already, so adults work, adults must work, we have bills and loans now, a pile! So all I thought was, then on and for as long as I’m w.o.r.k.i.n.g, my life is miserable. Nuff said.

But who actually said so? It was just a blind assumption of a hopeless young girl who just began to ‘live’. Who just hasn’t realized and truly believed the power of the Lord who can do miracles. After three years trapped in such a destructive environment, I married my husband and moved to KL. A few months of job hunting, I finally secured a position in here where in the beginning I brought with me the assumptions from my previous work life to the new one, just to be ready to face the “norms”. Amazingly as the days went by, my guesses got all wrong. This place is bliss! The people, the environment, the culture and the boss are all so nice I never thought they existed. Things totally changed as different as night and day. I turned to a positive person, happier and fatter! Haha.. that was due to another reason as well –  being married, exactly.

Alhamdulillah I’m happy here. At the moment, I’m surrounded by the people whom I can call friends, not just colleagues. Work-life balance is something really necessary for employees and this company has it ready. Flexi work arrangement and tolerant superiors who understand our commitments at home, not just all work. Some days are bad days and some people are unpleasant which can’t be avoided anywhere but I choose to focus on the good. This place is my comfort zone.

Of course not everything is perfect and I’m not telling those means to brag that I am the lucky one to have the best job ever. No, I’m still at a moderate level of the career ladder and in fact I am not a good employee enough so how could I boast? What I’m trying to tell is, guys, if you’re having a hard time at your work place or have been going through such a disappointing journey to find the right job I truly, truly understand the feelings, because really I’ve been there. If you could see, Allah tested me for three years to grant me with such a wonderful gift I couldn’t ask for more. If you’re tested even longer or harder, imagine what’s awaiting for you in the future! Allah’s arrangement is beautiful. When He tested me with the stressful job, I was single and had less commitment. My focus and weekends could all be spent at the office and no one got affected. Now that I have a family to look at, He gave me a work-life balance job, a company that’s so supportive towards mothers. Our stories are different but believed; the best is yet to come, right on time.

Two years back, the oil and gas industry was having downturns and that affected the company as well. As a result, it worked through a few cycles of retrenchment that impacted even some of my lunch buddies from other department. It’s so devastating to know that from a steady position you held for years, suddenly being told that you’re out of place. It somehow threatened everyone’s security and belief on the company’s stability, including mine. Things improved after that but the incident somehow serves as a constant reminder to me to rely everything on Allah because anything could happen and that a good job does not guarantee a fine end. While I’m cherishing my time here on this anniversary, I pray that if you’re seeking, soonest Allah will bestow you with the dream job you’re wishing for. Ameen.

Till the next post,
SALZY