Motherhood Energy

“I learned that being a mother takes a lot of energy. They weren’t talking about the calorie-burning energy, although you do need plenty of that. It was more like the kind of emotional energy that is consumed by patience the kind of energy you expend when you must continually concentrate on preventing yourself from exploding. Like handing a toddler a whole plate of food is like handing her a playground. That’s the kind of energy we’re talking about here.”

by Julia Sweeney
from the book ‘If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Your Mother’

31, But Thens…

Ambition was one of the most common questions being asked when we were a kid. We’d be like “When I grow up, I wanna be this…I wanna be that”… answering people. When we’re alone, we daydreamed beyond everyone’s expectation on us. It seemed like a very long way to go but we just couldn’t wait. Couldn’t wait to grow up and be what we wanted to be. Be on our own.

Today I turned 31. I am already at the when-I-grow-up age that I looked forward to when I was a little girl. I am an adult now and in fact, I’ve been an adult for years already.

But then… I am not the lady I pictured myself as, when I was young. I used to be very ambitious, you know? I wanted to be a career woman with corporate dress up and look intelligent.*Laugh*.

But then, here I am. A wage earner of a multi-national corporation who works 9 to 5 daily, an average executive who doesn’t seem like climbing the corporate ladder any higher. I have no professional certification to high-price my CV and I dress simple. Well, that’s not too bad. I’m happy with my job and daily routine now. Work-life balance.

But then, is this what they call a ‘comfort zone’? Am I already in a comfort zone at this age when my career has not even reached a decade yet? Always a parent’s wish to see their children grow up, get a good job and be successful. Is this a success already? Apparently not what I ambition-ed.

But then, what do I do to stand prouder of myself? Nowadays, doing business is more highly regarded in the community. You’re perceived as more independent and strong by running a business especially if you could brand yourself or your product.

But then, doing business was never in my frame. In fact, I tried, once, but it didn’t work out and I just didn’t enjoy it. And then I tried stock trading. It doesn’t have to plead people to buy, I just had to gain as much knowledge on the economic ins and outs.

But then, it’s still so heavy to me. It’s like going back to college with an obsolete brain but it’s okay it can be polished. With my duty at work and as a mother, I juggled. I couldn’t spare time on the day to study the stuff so I stayed up midnight. I joined one-time classes on the weekends and left the kids with my husband or the babysitter with extra charges. I called it a sacrifice.

But then, I realized my attention to my family went condensed. Even when I’m with the kids, my mind was busy picturing the charts and whatnot. I also had disagreement with my ex-stock-dealer husband who differed my trading practice and a lot more issues. This clash of priorities was so demanding. I was thinking, why do I have to trouble myself with all these problems when I don’t have to? I have a fine job and a steady family who needs much of my attention now so I should just focus on them. And so gave up trading.

But then, the kids will grow up and things will slow down. That time, I will look back and might be regret that I did not push myself a bit harder. I will grow old, retire and live depending on my pension money which maybe has lessened due to early withdrawals. What a force. I’m not gonna live the life I can call a success. So what do I do with my LIFE??

But then,  I realized all of my thoughts are all about life. Life in the dunya. The life that is certainly not permanent. I remember during my Umrah trip earlier this year, our first tawaf was led by the Mutawwif. After finishing the seven rounds circling the Kaabah, we performed prayers individually and gathered facing the Multazam (the part of the Kaabah that is between the Black Stone and the door of the Kaabah) for the Mutawwif to lead the du’a, we followed with ‘Ameen’. The du’a was so long. In my silence, I was surprised that the whole content of the prayers were all on repentance. Asking nothing but forgiveness. Nothing health, nothing wealth, nothing happiness, nothing worldly. I was stunned but in the end cried too.

Seriously…my life had been all about the world like it’s never gonna end. I always looked back thinking if-only’s when life is all what Allah has willed it. I’d been thinking of the life when-I-grow-old when growing old is not even certain. I’d been looking forward to my future age when the ultimate future is Jannah that we hope for. This is why I have so much but-then’s in my life. This gotta stop.

There’s a quote that says, “When you wake up with no other intention but to worship Allah, you have found the purpose of life”. Have I? For the next 32nd year onward, InsyaAllah. I’ll do my best. May Allah forgive me and all us for the excessive worldly thoughts over the life after death.

But then? Happy Birthday to me 🙂 Alhamdulillah.

Till the next post,
SALZY

Worst Horrible Companion

“Shaitan only wants you to suffer. Imagine taking a best friend or a closest companion as an advisor who’s constantly whispering and these only go to destroying. When you turn away from the remembrance of Allah, this is what happens. This shaitan becomes your horrible intimate companion.

And what happens when I turn away and I’m not remembering Allah through out my day? I left myself open to the enemy and this enemy comes in and now this enemy becomes my advisor.

What is so dangerous about this is that you cannot see him. And so when he whispered, guess what? You think is your idea. You think it’s your idea.”

Yasmin Mogahed @ Silver Linings Talk, Malaysia
15th April 2017

I Like Me Best

“Nowadays, I often speak to a group of young mothers. They ask me, “Well, how were you be able to raise your son the way you did?”

To begin with, I never liked him more than I liked me. I don’t mean love – I loved him more than anything. But I always liked me best. If you don’t like yourself, it makes it very hard to like and love your child.

So when I was raising Rashid, there’s no way that he could have three pair of shoes if I only had two. And I’m the one working? That’s not reasonable, mothers.

How in the world do these young mothers go buy their child a designer something that costs a hundred dollars and you don’t have a savings account? You don’t have a house. You live in an apartment.”

From the book “One Day It’ll All Make Sense”
by Common with Adam Bradley
The quote above was from his Mother

Waiting For A Miracle?

“Allah may grant you a miracle according to what you perceived is a miracle. And if you don’t get what you perceived is a miracle, you need to know that what He has done for you is always a miracle.

You need to know this.

When Allah doesn’t give you what you want, you need to know He’s always done whatever He wanted.

That is a miracle for you. You may not understand it.”Mufti Ismail Menk