My Ramadhan This Year

I entered the Ramadhan month of this year with only one aim, unlike previous years. I usually had a list of religious practices that I want to do extra specially for the noblest period. But this year I told myself I wanna do, of course many things, but mainly my focus is only one but I wanna do in abundant. Which, I want to istighfar a lot, a lotttt, all time.

It’s 27th day of fasting month, guys. This year I kicked off 4 days fasting then straightaway went on menstrual for 11 days! 11 days guys I have to replace this year. Haha even if I complete Puasa 6 I will still need to perform 5 more days which is haha a lot! Well, I’ll do, I’ll do..

So after I finished my ‘holiday’ and returned to fasting, it’s suddenly halfway already! It’s sooo fast I can’t believe, and now that we have entered the golden period, the last 10 nights that’s hidden the Lailatul Qadr. May we be given the chance to meet the night, Ameen.

For Ramadhan normally we’ll have this ritual agenda, which to have iftar sessions with the big families. Alhamdulillah, we managed to spend one long weekend in JB with my family and another long weekend with the in-laws. Such a good time! I even had the chance to go for taraweeh with my mom, thank you Allah. And another agenda is; Ramadhan buffet. Hehe.. Oh not to forget, Raya shopping! Ah can you see… This is why fasting month seems so short obviously, but Alhamdulillah we settled down early.

This year as I anticipated, I can’t go to the mosque for taraweeh as I have a baby and I don’t feel like bringing him there. So I missed many nights but for several times, I did it together with my husband at home.

Our congregational taraweeh prayers are always more special to me than our daily ones. Why? Because this is the time my husband will recite longer and non-common surah by having the Quran placed in front of him while praying. He will use this very big Quran that we have at home, one which we use only once a year.
You know, the big Quran is so special to me as it was my hantaran to him on our wedding. It’s common to have a Quran as the gift right, but the unusual is putting the large-sized one on the tray. But it’s my wish to own it because it reminds me of my beloved late grandma.

My grandma (passed on 15 years ago) had had a very big Quran which she bought in Mecca if I’m not mistaken. She put it nicely on a rehal at this one isolated prayer corner in her room together with her very thick velvety sajadah, tasbih and islamic books; and she always spent her time reciting Quran and meditating there after her prayers. That’s the image recorded in my mind whenever I think of her, and the big Quran will always be the highlight. Oh how I miss my grandma sooooo much!!

That’s why to make it special, I gifted the big Quran to my husband on our wedding to symbolic companionship throughout our marriage. But then after we unwrapped all the gifts and stuff from the wedding and he saw the Quran, he told me that he doesn’t like big Qurans. He prefers just a small, compact one, easier to hold and read. The smaller, the better; he said.

I was like, ha….? How can he not appreciate this this is so special, you know? But then okay I realized I was just being too sentimental about it and its just me. It’s about my grandma I was reminiscing on and not his haha. And so the Quran was left unused, I felt bad. Even if I thought it’s okay I’ll be the one to use it because I like it anyway but somehow, convenience wins over fancy elements, no? It’s so bothersome to handle it due to its bulkiness when the purpose is so long as we can see the wordings clearly, that should be enough.

Until a few years back when we started to have taraweeh sessions at home due to some limitation for me to go to mosque, my husband began to use the big Quran and I’m happy that it’s finally useful. Alhamdulillah. For what they say “Couples that pray together stay together;” may Allah bless my husband, my imam, show him His guidance and keep him on the straight path, Ameen.

Now we’re already in the last 10 days of Ramadhan, the annual precious finale. This Ramadhan is so packed of lessons and thoughts from the unexpected occurrences in my own family and the people surrounding me. Despite the trouble that spiked us recently, we still had a smooth sailing fasting month and was not totally bothered. That’s the beauty of Ramadhan, keeping you focused on the greatness so we pray a lot and never lose hope. This is, another Ramadhan to remember.

Lastly, I never had these wishes before but for once they crossed my mind, heartening me to pray for these two. One is to have the opportunity to be in the Holy Lands in the last 10 days of Ramadhan, and another one is hoping to die in Ramadhan, just like the lucky chosen ones!

As ever,


Ramadhan Kareem Sadaqah Jar

Two months ago when we came to pick up our kids from the school one day, we (and other parents too) were given a cylinder money can covered with a poster of AMAN PALESTINE TABUNG RAMADHAN KAREEM (picture above). I was a little curious firstly. I’m familiar with this Aman Palestine Organization but a bit confused about the money can that’s distributed to the lil caliphs. My instant thoughts were…

Are they asking my kids to collect money for donation….?

Do my kids have to go around public area thrusting the money can to people a bit like begging…?

Oh. My. Kids……

Okay don’t get wrong first. After all, that’s not the purpose. The teacher told us that the Aman Palestine reps came today and did some activities with the kids and launched this Tabung Ramadhan Kareem, the programme they called “1 House 1 Fund“. They gave it then in March and to be returned somewhere in May during Ramadhan month with as much collections.

Such a good idea, right! Just like any piggy banks we have at home, now we have this. It makes it a simple kind of charity where we can just lump all coins scattered around the house all in this special piggy bank. Yeaa we have so many coins everywhere which we don’t even bother to keep properly. Oh not to forget big notes from the purse also cause why not! Even more special, every cent contribution is already purposed for the people in Palestine. May Allah bless our charity and their effort.

In the letter from the school, they mentioned that it’s just for home placement and we’re not allowed to collect from the public. I got pheww when I read that haha but hey I don’t mean to picture that like a child beggar if in case it’s allowed, but I just instantly flashed back to a time when I was still in primary school.

I still remember there was a school programme where we’re required to ask for donation. That was launched during Ramadhan like this for us to run it during Eid when we go balik kampung. Strategically that’s the time the kids will see their relatives and more people, huh.

So we’re given a booklet for us to list down the donater’s names, the amount they contributed and a signature column. Its for donation I repeat but also, they made it as a competition! Who collects the highest amount will win prizes. They had hampers, for the runner-ups etc and guess what the winner got? A bicycle! Collect-donation-to-win-a-bicycle. Sounds improper? Well, that’s not what I thought back then.

Cut it short, back in kampung for raya, I didn’t get to get on with it. I thought I wanna go around my uncles and aunties and all houses that I visited for raya and collect donation from them, on top of the angpow they’re giving me but mom didn’t allow me to. I was like, whyyyy Ma? Why can’t I do this? It’s for charity and if I could accumulate much, I could win prizes okay! She just gave me an uneasy reaction. She then told me she would give me money and I fill in whoever’s names and amount in it. So I created a fake list and my mom contributed everything. God bless you Ma.

Now that I’ve grown up and become a parent myself, I understand my mom’s act better. Being an adult means having responsibilities on our shoulder. Eid season is totally a fun time for kids but for adults, it’s about a long list to check and budgets to adhere to. Not everyone is well off, guys. We’d never know behind a smiley face celebrating Eid, hidden a pocket full of holes. Being a naive kid I might be approaching wrong individuals so that’s what my mother didn’t want to happen, I suppose. Just being understanding of our other relatives.

After all, doing charity is a very good deed especially when we’re at the giving end, even more those who worked for it voluntarily, I’m impressed! The Aman Palestine initiative is one that I like, and thought of continuing it on our own. InsyaAllah.

And speaking of Palestine, I pray for Allah to give our brothers and sisters over there the highest level of strength, patience and taqwa, save them from all the terrorism and for one day they will be free from all the evil and crime of the Israeli. Ameen.

When I think of them, this one song will rhyme in my mind and will remind me to keep praying for them. Inviting you to listen ~ “Palestine Tomorrow Will Be Free” by Maher Zain

As ever,

Life Versus Problems

I feel so distracted whenever I open my social media page and its showing the recent post that captured my eyes and when I was just about to focus and read the post, suddenly the page refreshes and its gone. Now that its not showing in the order from the latest to the oldest posts so even if I scroll down on I still couldn’t find the post just now. Have you encountered the same situation as mine?

So there was this one post that I managed to read the whole thing and yes suddenly it disappeared. I remember the points and what it wants to convey. It really gave a significant impact to myself for some time, kept me staring to the ceiling through many nights thinking of what it said.

After sooo long, I think about a year or two.. I’m still holding on to the words and that have become my motivator whenever I’m feeling a melancholy. I wanted to share it on my wall but I couldn’t find the post again and didn’t catch the friend who posted it. How disturbing it is, right?! Now I tell myself, every time I catch a post and it seems interesting, before I properly read it through, I’d first capture the person who posted it. It’s so important! Hah.

Now, back to the post I was talking about. I wanna write it down here for my own keepsakes, before I totally forget it cause at this age and with my attention-demanding life, I don’t totally trust my memory box. I don’t even remember the exact wordings anymore but the points are there and this is my version.

In a room, there are 12 people sitting on a round table facing each other. They’re problematic, depressed people. They’re required to write down their problems on a small board and put it on display so everyone can see it.

Now, every one is given a chance to exchange their problems with one another. They can choose other’s problem that they prefer to own and give away their problems to others who want it. Conditionally, none of them could leave without a takeaway.

There goes, they go through each other’s written board before decided to pick one.

After a while, slowly, all of them pull down their own board and keep it with them. No exchanges happened during the session.

That’s all.

I don’t know about you, and I don’t know whether this story is true or created but no matter what, this story is too deep for me. Hit me hard on the head about life versus problems, I reflect all these….

Guys and me self too, our lives our problems our situation are all meant for us, respectively for us. Always remember that we are all exclusive in the eyes of Allah, He designed our lives exquisitely for us to live by and deal with everything in it with the guidance from Him. Why would we want things differently? Why would we wanna be in the shoes of others’?
And so all our problems, no matter how small or big they are, believe that they are faultlessly drawn by Allah with us as the main cast in it. How special is that? One thing is for sure, there must be tests from Allah because this is what this life is for. Just like how the people in the story above, they can’t leave empty-handedly. Problems, calamities and tribulations are a must life-element.

Hence, know that every single one on earth does have problems in life. We can’t see everything but that’s for sure. And their problems are not designed for us to fit our characters and values so don’t wish to experience it for them nor they to experience ours. We see others’ wonderful lives and we’d wish to have theirs. But really if we know what’s included in the ‘package’, we gotta be at loss for words. Everyone has his own battle.

Treat our life challenges with care, appreciate them as they’re the bridge to get us closer to Allah and understand that they’re meant to be difficult. We gotta face it. We can’t wish for a problem-free life and in fact, do not wish for that cause it’s actually more terrible. Instead, ask for ease and ask for help to go through things more calmly.

Remember for every time a problem struck, do not wish to run away. Tell ourselves that this is addressed to me, this is mine and I believe I can face it. Let’s do this!

As ever,

“Ummati” by Maher Zain

Ummati Maher Zain
Shining bright you came to us
With a heart so full of love
And you showed that you’re
The one who cares the most
And to us you’ve always been so close
Everyone will say
Please save me
Except Al-Habib (the beloved)
أمتي، أمتي
Ummati, Ummati
(My nation, my nation)
يقولها لنا يوم القيامة
Yaquluha lana yawmal qiyamati
(He will say to us on the Day of Judgement)
أمتي، أمتي
Ummati, Ummati
(My nation, my nation)
يقولها شفاعة
Yaquluha shafa’atan
(He will say as an intercession)
أنا لها، أنا لها
Ana laha ana laha
(“I will do it, I will do it”)
You have always sacrificed
Smiled with patience through the hard times
All you did inspired everyone you knew
Always selfless, striving for the truth
Everyone will say
Please save me
Except Al-Habib (the beloved)
I’d give my heart and soul for you
Wish my eyes can see your face and be close to you
Coz in your guidance I find peace of mind indeed
No on else on that day can intercede
As ever,

So Sweet

My kids are so sweet. Whenever they walk and pass by gardens or just any flower pots anywhere, they will pick a flower and hand it to me and say; “For you, Mom”. Sometimes they will runnnn to me shouting “Mommmm! Flowersss…!!” or sometimes they even knee-down and make it like a scene. So sweet!

Every time they do that, my thought would fly across 20 years ahead imagining them as a grown-up man who will start finding loves. Always, I’ll secretly whisper “Hmm, I hope one day you’ll grow up and be those romantic guys that make girls happy okay, not like your dad!”

Make-girls-happy which I meant here by always giving flowers, giving presents, making surprises and all! Cause that’s what girls typically wish for. Me-husband…guess how many times have I received a bouquet of flowers from him throughout our 10 years of relationship? TWICE.

The first time was during my convocation, that was even before we officiate the relationship. The bouquet was so big and nice, enough to blind me with the perception that this guy is so romantic I am one lucky gurlll!!

Totally, totally mistaken.

But God is great He gifted me with these two minions who treat me like a queen, offer me flowers countless times a year, effortlessly cute and sincere. Oh another one! Who will be trained the same by the seniors so he’ll know this is a must ritual. Hehe..

My three little heroes, I love you all so much and Thank You for making me feel like a lucky girl always with your sweet gesture.

Okay not to forget my husband… Though you faked your romantic-ness before, you too are the reason they’re here. So you’re the real hero here. Rightttt…….. haha. Love you moreee!

As ever,

Hello 2019

The last -teen year has arrived before we step into 20’s that once we felt still so far to come yet suddenly, we’re already in a corner. Well it’s not here yet let’s just talk about what we’re currently in…it’s 2019!!

Alhamdulillah, we’re still alive until today. With the new year spirit that never failed to bloom in me despite the happenings at the end of last year, I’m very thankful for this life. Thank you Allah for this gift. We age by day everyday, so each day is a gift that comes the first after we wake up from the bed. How wonderful it is if we actually see it that way, instead of feeding our minds with 1001 never-ending worldly issues the moment we open our eyes.

Now, resolutions. I wanna keep it simple and general this time. Just a single sentence, but of course with elaboration, hehe. I can’t be that straightforward just so you know. So this year is the year that is – full of hopes, less of expectation. 

Hope versus expectation. No, they are not the same.

All these while, I’d been abusing myself, my heart with my own anticipation that things should go my way, the way I wanted it to be. I had lived my life with so much expectations through my desires, plannings and dreams. Often times, these led to anxiety and disappointment. Expectation is killing me, really.

Therefore I want to eliminate this negativity from my life, from today on. It’s not an easy process but no matter how, I will never lose hope. Yes, I’m converting those outlandish expectations into hopes, from the one and only; Allah s.w.t.. His blessing, His forgiveness and the belief that He has a lot in store for me, my rizq – are the things I wanna be hopeful for. What exactly, when, how…are the thinking that will lead to expectations. I am clear.

Happy New Year 2019. Have a blast!

As ever,

Good Bye 2018


I begin this with a “sigh”

2018…was a pretty difficult year to me, to be exact..a every emotional year to me.

I began it being pregnant, for half of the year. My third pregnancy, one that I felt the most difficult, took control over my self-bringing, daily productivity and motivation. I was tired all the time, I blamed the age-factor. I easily got annoyed over tiny issues and instantly got mad at people. The hormone went haywire, I was stressed like most of the time.

I was diagnosed with GDM the pregnancy diabetic so I had to control my sugar intake. It’s such a bore to have to be on diet during pregnancy, when our appetite was at peak. Well I just had to…for the sake of my baby.

In the middle of the year, my family was shaken with a very tragic news, our beloved Uncle passed away due to a fire incident in his home, that was due to a handphone blast when charged on bed. Well, that’s what we were told off. A month later, the police reclassified the case as a murder. A murder case happened in my family? To my Uncle which I knew such a nice person? How can I believe it?? And the investigation goes on and on until now, until a few more years may be…

I was so deeply impacted from the tragedy. I wasn’t personally very close to my late Uncle. But his oppressive passing had blown me with so much deliberation of life beyond my common understanding before this. Such a priceless way of Allah sending His messages to me. I can’t praise Him enough and I pray that my late Uncle’s soul rests in peace and justice will prevail for him…Ameen..

We moved house, in November. A house of our own.. my dream has come true. However, the reality of this dream-come-true dream is that it actually comes in a package of 1001 problems. Or challenges I might say. But unmanageable challenges eventually become problems overriding each other and a lot more things I’d better leave them untold..I’m so in a mess! And this is how I’m ending my 2018…..

I feel so down of all the bad things that happened this year but worse is I feel bad for being ungrateful.  It’s so conflicting.. I realize I have lots of things to be thankful for but at the same time I also had to focus on the problems I don’t get to solve immediately. Sometimes, I clearly know the reason why things happened the way it happened but I also have no control over it, like I can’t do anything about it. It’s going on and on..and currently every day is a struggle to motivate myself to move forward. It’s unseen, but the struggle is real.

Today I woke up and told myself its just a few days away to the New Year, I took a moment to count my blessings despite the clutters tangling on my head. Somehow, they created a smile on my face; a real one, a meaningful one.

This year, I welcomed a new member in my family; the ever dearest baby son ERRYSH ERDHEE. I remember the time before I got pregnant of him, when thinking of having another baby, I thought its just about what I want. I mean, it’s about me-wanting another baby just to grow my family with more kids and Allah grants me anyway. But actually now, when I look at him I realize that Allah grants me with him is not just to fulfill my prayer for what I want but actually…for what I NEED. Yes, I need this boy to be in my life now…in a way that I can’t explain. When I look at his cute pleasant face, I’m instantly happy and my heart is full. And so my other kids and husband..I love them all so much!

I processed this year on bumpy roads and wavy oceans. It wasn’t easy but along the way there were always pit stops for me take a break and reflect a moment. I keep hoping for better days to present in front of me and for it to stay long… in the next year, maybe!

Thank you 2018 for everything. Good bye….

As ever,