I’m in the midst of counting down to something BIG in my life. It will happen very soon. I cannot believe this is happening, yet it really is.

Heart is pounding. I don’t know what am I excited about, but I am. I had to go through a tough road with ugly obstacles all alone to reach to this point but I am not drained at all. Well, it is just the beginning, self. #gentlereminder

It is that feeling again. The state of time that things decided to happen, and you just can’t run. I never expected that it would happen the way it happened. What I knew, I just had to face it.

I know myself well, better and best than anyone else would do. The future is uncertain, but when your heart is certain, all is well.

The story is still under-construction, but I’m not the one holding the pen. I’ll let it dance… I hundred percent believe in The Writer.

As ever,


How to Forgive People

Or decoratively, ‘the art of forgiving people.’

I don’t know about you but me, this is one of my life struggles – to forgive people, who’s hurt me, ill-treated me mentally emotionally or simply annoyed me on any fine days. It’s not that I never forgive people but as for me for many, many years, forgiving is a neutral thing. When I feel like I have no hard feelings on the issues anymore, that’s when I already forgave them, even without them apologizing.

I even said that, I don’t need people to apologize to me. I don’t buy apologies because to me “sorry DOESN’T seem to be the hardest word ” if I could twist your lyrics, Elton John! Some people would just easily utter “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it” but hey did you actually NOT mean… Your sorry? That what actually hurts more.

Time heals that’s what I always hold on to. For no matter how upsetting things could be, by time… I will be okay, on my own, with God’s help. But it also can be too longggg to get into that okay state, sometimes it could be years and in that journey, I was all struggling inside. Time heals everything but know that we won’t have it forever. One day it will end, and what if it is when we are still not done with this forgiving matter?

People always say, forgive people and you’ll be happier. Forgive people every night before sleep but just… how?? How to actually forgive and not just be pretentious or sabarrr? How to do that when you don’t even feel it, when people are not even sorry about it?

Here’s the art! As I struggled along the way I’ve tried many tips…some worked but mostly failed but theseee… are gold points! 3 gold points I just got from a book I read. Sharing with you guys…hope this helps!

First, always remember that ‘what Allah wills happens and what He has not willed never happens.’ Including the act of the person who has hurt you. Yes, it’s bad, what the person said or did is cruel but hey tell yourself that Allah yang dah izinkan dia berbuat begitu kepadaku. Allah could protect me, Allah could stop the words or deeds from reaching me but not now. He allowed it to happen and there’s nothing to do with the person who did or said that. If we’re being sick with that person, does that mean we’re sick with Allah, now? Could we? No, and please don’t.

So yes, understand and absorb this first. And for the moment you’re angry just now, istighfar! Being angry to the person means you’re angry to Allah too so please stop right away. Calm down, don’t reply anything, just istighfar. Innalillahiwainnailaihirajiun….kepada-Nya aku kembali. Shift your focus from the person to the Almighty as you return to Him ilaihi rajiun…

The second point is something that I’ve been doing…always. Is to look inward…. Look at ourselves. Adakah apa yang org tu buat, is actually reflecting ourselves? Pernah tak dengar orang ckp, whenever dia dikhianati org dia akan cakap, “ha kau buat kat aku hari ni nanti esok orang buat kat kau pulak”. Like a karma what you give you’ll get back. But, does the person realize that dia mungkin pernah buat kat orang lain dulu, sebab tu la dia kena hari ni, betul tak? Always when we’re down, kita takkan fikir pon macam tu. Kita hanya fikir kita jelah yang dizalimi dan betapa jahatnya mulut orang tu.
That’s what I always talk back to myself bila2 tersentap dgn kata2 orang. Selalu akan cakap kat diri sendiri aku pon bukannya baik sangat, tu la pernah cakap mcm ni mcm tu kat org now kan dah kene balik. Terus akan rasa menyesal and recall my wrongdoings. This will set myself away from insulting back and again, there’s nothing to do with the ‘hater’.

Well, eventhough sometimes you’ll say that no, I never did that to people but remember, adversities happen because of our own sins…any sins that we don’t know. Be busy seeking repentance and admit that this is due to my wrongdoings…

Two points are done. The first one is in relation to God and the second is in relation to ourselves. Now, what about the person – the visible object in this issue. You can try to forget what they say but at the end of the day, you can’t avoid the person at all cost. Sometimes the person is your close person takkan nak putus hubungan pulak? Thing can go back to normal but your vision to the person is not the same again coz your heart now are full of patches, not like before. So how do we do? How to even clear the patches?

Third point, and the golden point to me!

Remember if we forgive, Allah will forgive us. We knew this, but why is it still hard for us to forgive? Because we forget the chance! Yes, being in a state of forgiving someone is actually a chance for us to gain Allah’s pardon.
Ada tak rasa bila kita berdoa minta ampun pada Allah, we don’t even feel it. Ya Allah ampunkan aku, but we don’t even cry regretting our sins. And now is the time, we’re hurt, we’re sad, and it’s the time Allah will surely pardon us, bila kita maafkan orang lain. Allah will honour us. The moment to bow down wholeheartedly with tears, isn’t that precious?

Now, imagine yourself looking at the person who hurt you and THANK THEM! Thank you for hurting me now Allah will pardon me. You’re the means for me to gain Allah’s compassion. Because of you, I get into the state of remembrance.. recalling my sins and remembering Allah.
And I believe you’re kind, you’re not mean and today, you’re specially godsent! I forgive you, Lillahi Taala.

As ever,

Status Update

After this, most of my stories will revolve around motherhood…back to the original purpose of this blog being created. Because, I’m just ‘promoted’ to a new title I never thought I would be…. A MOTHER OF FIVE!

Yes, it’s true, it’s real. Cliché kalau asyik nak cakap macam tak percaye sikit2 tak percaya. So let’s just accept the fact. I, the most unmotherly person could possibly have 5 kids of my own?? Being a caesarean mother since the first birth, I never thought I would ever have more than 4 kids, okay.

Kira maksimum mesti 4 jelah lepas tu ikat. Kuasa Allah, dia bagi kita TWINS. This last pregnancy, dah la unexpected a.k.a accidental! But then boleh pulak jadi dua. Rezeki.. Rezeki.

Itulah my current status update. I am now a mother to 3 handsome boys and 2 beautiful twin daughters. A wife to my wonderful husband, living life of Allah’s beautiful plans. Syukur.

As ever,


Let Loose

Apa yang let loose nya? Haha. Hi, I’m back! After 9 months since the last post. Well it’s still good it hasn’t passed one year. I was on a blogging hiatus again…due to too many things occupying myself since… August. Yeah, “Awful August” that I wrote last year.

But hey… It was just a beginning and there was a plot twist! Little did I know, the thing that followed thru was THE MOST WONDERFUL thing ever. MasyaAllah.

I’m owing a lot to this blog, which means a lottt to myself. So today I decided to just let loose to gain the momentum back. The writing momentum.

Usually when I feel like writing again, I will re-visit this blog and re-read my entries randomly. Most times, I will thank myself for writing all those, for taking time to drill my brain with wordings which I know not easy for me. I’m not a vocab-towkay and my English is poor…yet I wanna blog in English, huh?! Haha.

Maka that’s why lah I was thinking… Tak payah nak speaking2 lah.. Just write in Malay, just write campur2, just tell a story, just sit down and bleed, just let loose!!

Okay, baik. With this new approach… Let’s do this!! Till the next….

As ever,



This post appears on the see-my-memories section on FB today. I totally remember what happened this day, two years ago.

How can I forget it? It was too bad, very bad. I couldn’t believe things like that could happen, yet it happened for real.

Embarrassing. It was totally embarrassing and damaging this one person did and put the families to shame.

With disappointment, I sat and tried to calm myself, trying to understand why it happened? Things were already bad now became worst. Just, why……? 😥

I couldn’t find the wisdom, I was left puzzled and still couldn’t accept it. I still wished it never happened. I hoped it was just a bad dream.

Then I stopped questioning. Then I poured all my feelings to God, I talked to God. About the incident, and the offender, everything.. crying.

And I found this du’a. It’s a du’a that when I first read, was a hit on my head. I felt like it was all I need and I’d specially address this to. It was a relieve this du’a gave me for every time I recited it. It didn’t change my feelings toward but at least I could move on life with redha.

Sacredly earlier this year, Allah has granted my prayer. That particular prayer. Subhanallah. I never thought things can change like this. Allah did His magic, He unveiled a secret and tweaks a life long conflict in a miraculous way. MasyaAllah!

Problem solved with a plus – a reminder to me that He indeed listens and He cares of all my whimpers.

As ever,

Awful August


I was sitting with my planner recapping my month and I become so dreadful. August, I entered this month with full of hopes but what turned out throughout were upheavals. Chaos, this is my chaotic month of the year 😦

At times, I feel like I’ve lost myself at some points. Too many things are happening around me my mind feels so overloaded. I sometimes found me frowning without I even noticed for how long already.

But most of the time actually, I am in the calmest state of self. Happy, still happy with my life and family despite major uncertainties lying ahead. I’m okay, I guess I’m still very okay.

Then it’s suddenly the 31st already. It’s a wrap of the month and I hope a wrap of all hardships too. Will just keep moving on with the time cause things can change… by time.

As ever,

Happy Father’s Day

My dad is one who brought so much values into my lives, mostly through kinda indirect ways. There is one important reminder from him, an inheriting lesson that I will always hold on to till the end of my breath.

“My father never gave up on me until I became what I wanted to be. So I would never give up on my kids. Now that you’re a parent, you also should never give up on your children.” – My Dad, Dr. Malek Hassan, whom I called by Abah.

Thank you Abah for the reminder. Yeah, children are always a blessing, a bundle of joy and a source of happiness. Nevertheless, no child is perfect even we are never perfect to our parents. Even we, along the ways of growing up, must have troubled our parents in many ways done or destined.

When the time comes, when a difficulty strikes at a point of my parenting journey, I will remember my dad’s advice. I will never give up on my kids for no matter what. I’ll be there and do whatever I could, with all the strength that’s inspirited by my dad. You’re an example, Happy Father’s Day.

As ever,

My Ramadhan This Year

I entered the Ramadhan month of this year with only one aim, unlike previous years. I usually had a list of religious practices that I want to do extra specially for the noblest period. But this year I told myself I wanna do, of course many things, but mainly my focus is only one but I wanna do in abundant. Which, I want to istighfar a lot, a lotttt, all time.

It’s 27th day of fasting month, guys. This year I kicked off 4 days fasting then straightaway went on menstrual for 11 days! 11 days guys I have to replace this year. Haha even if I complete Puasa 6 I will still need to perform 5 more days which is haha a lot! Well, I’ll do, I’ll do..

So after I finished my ‘holiday’ and returned to fasting, it’s suddenly halfway already! It’s sooo fast I can’t believe, and now that we have entered the golden period, the last 10 nights that’s hidden the Lailatul Qadr. May we be given the chance to meet the night, Ameen.

For Ramadhan normally we’ll have this ritual agenda, which to have iftar sessions with the big families. Alhamdulillah, we managed to spend one long weekend in JB with my family and another long weekend with the in-laws. Such a good time! I even had the chance to go for taraweeh with my mom, thank you Allah. And another agenda is; Ramadhan buffet. Hehe.. Oh not to forget, Raya shopping! Ah can you see… This is why fasting month seems so short obviously, but Alhamdulillah we settled down early.

This year as I anticipated, I can’t go to the mosque for taraweeh as I have a baby and I don’t feel like bringing him there. So I missed many nights but for several times, I did it together with my husband at home.

Our congregational taraweeh prayers are always more special to me than our daily ones. Why? Because this is the time my husband will recite longer and non-common surah by having the Quran placed in front of him while praying. He will use this very big Quran that we have at home, one which we use only once a year.
You know, the big Quran is so special to me as it was my hantaran to him on our wedding. It’s common to have a Quran as the gift right, but the unusual is putting the large-sized one on the tray. But it’s my wish to own it because it reminds me of my beloved late grandma.

My grandma (passed on 15 years ago) had had a very big Quran which she bought in Mecca if I’m not mistaken. She put it nicely on a rehal at this one isolated prayer corner in her room together with her very thick velvety sajadah, tasbih and islamic books; and she always spent her time reciting Quran and meditating there after her prayers. That’s the image recorded in my mind whenever I think of her, and the big Quran will always be the highlight. Oh how I miss my grandma sooooo much!!

That’s why to make it special, I gifted the big Quran to my husband on our wedding to symbolic companionship throughout our marriage. But then after we unwrapped all the gifts and stuff from the wedding and he saw the Quran, he told me that he doesn’t like big Qurans. He prefers just a small, compact one, easier to hold and read. The smaller, the better; he said.

I was like, ha….? How can he not appreciate this this is so special, you know? But then okay I realized I was just being too sentimental about it and its just me. It’s about my grandma I was reminiscing on and not his haha. And so the Quran was left unused, I felt bad. Even if I thought it’s okay I’ll be the one to use it because I like it anyway but somehow, convenience wins over fancy elements, no? It’s so bothersome to handle it due to its bulkiness when the purpose is so long as we can see the wordings clearly, that should be enough.

Until a few years back when we started to have taraweeh sessions at home due to some limitation for me to go to mosque, my husband began to use the big Quran and I’m happy that it’s finally useful. Alhamdulillah. For what they say “Couples that pray together stay together;” may Allah bless my husband, my imam, show him His guidance and keep him on the straight path, Ameen.

Now we’re already in the last 10 days of Ramadhan, the annual precious finale. This Ramadhan is so packed of lessons and thoughts from the unexpected occurrences in my own family and the people surrounding me. Despite the trouble that spiked us recently, we still had a smooth sailing fasting month and was not totally bothered. That’s the beauty of Ramadhan, keeping you focused on the greatness so we pray a lot and never lose hope. This is, another Ramadhan to remember.

Lastly, I never had these wishes before but for once they crossed my mind, heartening me to pray for these two. One is to have the opportunity to be in the Holy Lands in the last 10 days of Ramadhan, and another one is hoping to die in Ramadhan, just like the lucky chosen ones!

As ever,

Ramadhan Kareem Sadaqah Jar

Two months ago when we came to pick up our kids from the school one day, we (and other parents too) were given a cylinder money can covered with a poster of AMAN PALESTINE TABUNG RAMADHAN KAREEM (picture above). I was a little curious firstly. I’m familiar with this Aman Palestine Organization but a bit confused about the money can that’s distributed to the lil caliphs. My instant thoughts were…

Are they asking my kids to collect money for donation….?

Do my kids have to go around public area thrusting the money can to people a bit like begging…?

Oh. My. Kids……

Okay don’t get wrong first. After all, that’s not the purpose. The teacher told us that the Aman Palestine reps came today and did some activities with the kids and launched this Tabung Ramadhan Kareem, the programme they called “1 House 1 Fund“. They gave it then in March and to be returned somewhere in May during Ramadhan month with as much collections.

Such a good idea, right! Just like any piggy banks we have at home, now we have this. It makes it a simple kind of charity where we can just lump all coins scattered around the house all in this special piggy bank. Yeaa we have so many coins everywhere which we don’t even bother to keep properly. Oh not to forget big notes from the purse also cause why not! Even more special, every cent contribution is already purposed for the people in Palestine. May Allah bless our charity and their effort.

In the letter from the school, they mentioned that it’s just for home placement and we’re not allowed to collect from the public. I got pheww when I read that haha but hey I don’t mean to picture that like a child beggar if in case it’s allowed, but I just instantly flashed back to a time when I was still in primary school.

I still remember there was a school programme where we’re required to ask for donation. That was launched during Ramadhan like this for us to run it during Eid when we go balik kampung. Strategically that’s the time the kids will see their relatives and more people, huh.

So we’re given a booklet for us to list down the donater’s names, the amount they contributed and a signature column. Its for donation I repeat but also, they made it as a competition! Who collects the highest amount will win prizes. They had hampers, for the runner-ups etc and guess what the winner got? A bicycle! Collect-donation-to-win-a-bicycle. Sounds improper? Well, that’s not what I thought back then.

Cut it short, back in kampung for raya, I didn’t get to get on with it. I thought I wanna go around my uncles and aunties and all houses that I visited for raya and collect donation from them, on top of the angpow they’re giving me but mom didn’t allow me to. I was like, whyyyy Ma? Why can’t I do this? It’s for charity and if I could accumulate much, I could win prizes okay! She just gave me an uneasy reaction. She then told me she would give me money and I fill in whoever’s names and amount in it. So I created a fake list and my mom contributed everything. God bless you Ma.

Now that I’ve grown up and become a parent myself, I understand my mom’s act better. Being an adult means having responsibilities on our shoulder. Eid season is totally a fun time for kids but for adults, it’s about a long list to check and budgets to adhere to. Not everyone is well off, guys. We’d never know behind a smiley face celebrating Eid, hidden a pocket full of holes. Being a naive kid I might be approaching wrong individuals so that’s what my mother didn’t want to happen, I suppose. Just being understanding of our other relatives.

After all, doing charity is a very good deed especially when we’re at the giving end, even more those who worked for it voluntarily, I’m impressed! The Aman Palestine initiative is one that I like, and thought of continuing it on our own. InsyaAllah.

And speaking of Palestine, I pray for Allah to give our brothers and sisters over there the highest level of strength, patience and taqwa, save them from all the terrorism and for one day they will be free from all the evil and crime of the Israeli. Ameen.

When I think of them, this one song will rhyme in my mind and will remind me to keep praying for them. Inviting you to listen ~ “Palestine Tomorrow Will Be Free” by Maher Zain

As ever,