Hello 2019

The last -teen year has arrived before we step into 20’s that once we felt still so far to come yet suddenly, we’re already in a corner. Well it’s not here yet let’s just talk about what we’re currently in…it’s 2019!!

Alhamdulillah, we’re still alive until today. With the new year spirit that never failed to bloom in me despite the happenings at the end of last year, I’m very thankful for this life. Thank you Allah for this gift. We age by day everyday, so each day is a gift that comes the first after we wake up from the bed. How wonderful it is if we actually see it that way, instead of feeding our minds with 1001 never-ending worldly issues the moment we open our eyes.

Now, resolutions. I wanna keep it simple and general this time. Just a single sentence, but of course with elaboration, hehe. I can’t be that straightforward just so you know. So this year is the year that is – full of hopes, less of expectation. 

Hope versus expectation. No, they are not the same.

All these while, I’d been abusing myself, my heart with my own anticipation that things should go my way, the way I wanted it to be. I had lived my life with so much expectations through my desires, plannings and dreams. Often times, these led to anxiety and disappointment. Expectation is killing me, really.

Therefore I want to eliminate this negativity from my life, from today on. It’s not an easy process but no matter how, I will never lose hope. Yes, I’m converting those outlandish expectations into hopes, from the one and only; Allah s.w.t.. His blessing, His forgiveness and the belief that He has a lot in store for me, my rizq – are the things I wanna be hopeful for. What exactly, when, how…are the thinking that will lead to expectations. I am clear.

Happy New Year 2019. Have a blast!

As ever,
SALZY

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Good Bye 2018

Sigh..

I begin this with a “sigh”

2018…was a pretty difficult year to me, to be exact..a every emotional year to me.

I began it being pregnant, for half of the year. My third pregnancy, one that I felt the most difficult, took control over my self-bringing, daily productivity and motivation. I was tired all the time, I blamed the age-factor. I easily got annoyed over tiny issues and instantly got mad at people. The hormone went haywire, I was stressed like most of the time.

I was diagnosed with GDM the pregnancy diabetic so I had to control my sugar intake. It’s such a bore to have to be on diet during pregnancy, when our appetite was at peak. Well I just had to…for the sake of my baby.

In the middle of the year, my family was shaken with a very tragic news, our beloved Uncle passed away due to a fire incident in his home, that was due to a handphone blast when charged on bed. Well, that’s what we were told off. A month later, the police reclassified the case as a murder. A murder case happened in my family? To my Uncle which I knew such a nice person? How can I believe it?? And the investigation goes on and on until now, until a few more years may be…

I was so deeply impacted from the tragedy. I wasn’t personally very close to my late Uncle. But his oppressive passing had blown me with so much deliberation of life beyond my common understanding before this. Such a priceless way of Allah sending His messages to me. I can’t praise Him enough and I pray that my late Uncle’s soul rests in peace and justice will prevail for him…Ameen..

We moved house, in November. A house of our own.. my dream has come true. However, the reality of this dream-come-true dream is that it actually comes in a package of 1001 problems. Or challenges I might say. But unmanageable challenges eventually become problems overriding each other and a lot more things I’d better leave them untold..I’m so in a mess! And this is how I’m ending my 2018…..

I feel so down of all the bad things that happened this year but worse is I feel bad for being ungrateful.  It’s so conflicting.. I realize I have lots of things to be thankful for but at the same time I also had to focus on the problems I don’t get to solve immediately. Sometimes, I clearly know the reason why things happened the way it happened but I also have no control over it, like I can’t do anything about it. It’s going on and on..and currently every day is a struggle to motivate myself to move forward. It’s unseen, but the struggle is real.

Today I woke up and told myself its just a few days away to the New Year, I took a moment to count my blessings despite the clutters tangling on my head. Somehow, they created a smile on my face; a real one, a meaningful one.

This year, I welcomed a new member in my family; the ever dearest baby son ERRYSH ERDHEE. I remember the time before I got pregnant of him, when thinking of having another baby, I thought its just about what I want. I mean, it’s about me-wanting another baby just to grow my family with more kids and Allah grants me anyway. But actually now, when I look at him I realize that Allah grants me with him is not just to fulfill my prayer for what I want but actually…for what I NEED. Yes, I need this boy to be in my life now…in a way that I can’t explain. When I look at his cute pleasant face, I’m instantly happy and my heart is full. And so my other kids and husband..I love them all so much!

I processed this year on bumpy roads and wavy oceans. It wasn’t easy but along the way there were always pit stops for me take a break and reflect a moment. I keep hoping for better days to present in front of me and for it to stay long… in the next year, maybe!

Thank you 2018 for everything. Good bye….

As ever,
SALZY

Officially a Mother of Three

It’s official, it’s true, and it’s real. Me – I’m now officially a mother of three! It’s not unbelievable. Since November last year when I first discovered this pregnancy, time flew fast but I lived in every moment so yes I knew I wasn’t dreaming when the nurse handed my new bundle of joy into my arms. Alhamdulillah. It was 4th of July 2018 @ 1313 hours.

ErryshErdheeNewborn

Meet our latest addition to the family; ERRYSH ERDHEE BIN EDDY ERMAN :). Welcome to the world, baby! We are all so happy on your arrival. You made us a family of five which will definitely be merrier than ever. Thank you Allah for this gift and for another opportunity for me to repeat a precious maternity journey that I cherished the most in life.

9 months and he’s finally here. I feel so relieved that the operation went well though with some hiccups at least it’s all passed now especially the pregnancy. Honestly, this third pregnancy was the most challenging one to me compared to the earlier ones. Oops okay, it’s exaggerating to say that it’s “challenging” because I’ve heard of worse conditions of others so mine was Alhamdulillah. But like I said, comparing to my own previous ones, this was a bit wearisome for the whole prenatal period.

I was tired all the time, unproductive and emotional (I hope my baby won’t inherit these!). Just look at my blog; I won’t meet my writing target for this year and it’s enough to tell that I also don’t work on many of my resolutions for this year. Huhu! Suddenly it’s July now but I can’t turn back time. Telling myself it’s okay, I’m learning to live spontaneously or to say, with less planning. I am a mother of three now hey I gotta always be on-the-go!

Am currently on confinement, having my good time resting and taking care of my newborn at my parent’s house. Away from home and my husband and kids…missing them all so much!! I can’t wait to be fully recovered from this post-natal condition and be back to my routine, with added items in my to-dos. Rock it, MOM!

As ever,
SALZY

Welcome Ramadhan

My late post welcoming Ramadhan. It’s been a week now but still, ahlan wa sahlan Ya Ramadhan!

The first time I got pregnant, I got to fast during my first trimester of the pregnancy. It was quite hard if I could remember. The day part was fine but when it came to breakfasting, it was a real struggle. Fighting with morning sicknesses when the throat and tummy just didn’t wanna accept what I ate, I continued with hungriness till late nights.

My second pregnancy, I got to fast during my second trimester. It was totally smooth and steady, Alhamdulillah. In fact, I was even more energetic during the fasting month compared to the prior trimester. I managed to fulfil the whole month fasting, in both pregnancies.

Now I am in my third trimester of the third pregnancy and it’s Ramadhan again! I have already checked the calendar much earlier so I knew that I’ll be fasting in laden this time. Though I know fasting is actually not a big deal for normal pregnant mothers, according to doctors or at least to me based on the previous twos, I am still a bit worried because every pregnancy is different and I don’t know how this baby would be reacting. So I’ve practiced fasting biweekly since January just to prepare myself physically to perform in this Ramadhan. It helps a lot.

Alhamdulillah, it has been 7 days and I’m still okay, still fasting. I hope I can fulfil the month straight but won’t also force myself hard. Let’s see how it goes.

This year is the year that I hope I can spend most nights at the mosque for taraweeh prayers. The kids are already eligible for mosque trips so I can also leave the house together. Next year and for a few more years to come, insyaAllah, will again be that baby-years to me hence I don’t see the chance to do what I can do now. Babysitting will come first but now let me seize the opportunity I have.

Time flies fast as always but for Ramadhan, it’s triple fast! I wanted to make a welcoming post yet it’s already a week gone. I’m counting another 3 weeks left and in a blink of an eye, it’ll be Raya already. I am depending myself on reminders after reminders from all around to keep me alert that we’re in the month full of offers, not that sales offers, but it’s the multiplied reward offers from the Almighty! May we all gain all the goodness especially by our own effort to do more ibadah and deeds and may Allah ar-Rahim accept everything despite our imperfections.

Salam Ramadhan, everyone.

As ever,
SALZY

Blogging Hiatus

A month plus of no updates at all? That’s kinda hiatus. And then I came across this quote below :

“There’s no such thing as writer’s block. Just start typing. At some point, it will turn into writing..”Graydon Carter from the book “Dear Me”.

True, which is so true. But that’s not the issue now. I’m not having writer’s block. I have ideas, I have so many things in my list I wanna write and pour into my SalzyMommyhood but….. I. just. have. no. time. Do people still accept that kind of an excuse? Haha…

Writing has become a necessity to me. And a priority too. I have to write. Writing is like pausing me a while from a marathon to just take a breath and continue running to an unseen finishing line. We have to take breaks, because indeed we don’t know when these all are going to end. Can be it’s still far yet so near or it’s already almost here, but can we really tell?

So what is this with I-just-have-no-time excuse I’m giving myself? No it’s not actually that. Everyone has 24 hours a day and so do I. It’s just that, I haven’t been staying up at midnight anymore, for quite some time already. That means, much of my productive me-time has gone into sweet dreams.

When I don’t stay up, I do less planning and thinking about my days and short-term future and that’s making me be like a mess. I don’t like this but I can’t help it too. When it’s bedtime, I’d tell myself to continue staying up and do my things once the kids doze off but that’s not what happens.

I am now already in the third trimester of this pregnancy and it’s taking much control of me physically, mentally and emotionally too. I’m honestly tired and what’s more tiring is when I don’t even have the power and effort to catch up. But life goes on because time waits for no men. I’m trying to enjoy every bit of it.

I turned 32 three days ago. How remarkable. I’ve been wanting to write a letter to my younger self to reflect the things that I’ve gone through in life; the future of my teenage self that has become past now. I wanted it to be a proper and lengthy letter but I know with my struggling condition now, it won’t happen. So let’s just do it now with only significant points I’ve been keeping to myself, short and sweet.

Dear My 16-year-old Self, 16 years ago,

I’m coming from your future with only one message to convey. That is – Life is so Confusing. Just like how you’re confused now. You’re confused on which stream you’re going to further after the PMR – sciences or arts? You’re so dead in mind thinking just about that but I tell you, that’s just a tip of an iceberg of this whole life you’re going to face.

In future, there will be a lot lot more things coming your way demanding for decision making from your clueless mind and you’ll always be confused. That’s what life is or at least that’s how your life will be exclusively. And that’s hard. Are you ready? You have to.

Scary much? See. This life is a journey and your job is to go through it and experience. You don’t have to figure out everything right away, you don’t have the power for that. But one thing is for sure; ‘things will fall into place, sooner or later’ – I promise. I can’t help much but this is what I believe the most comforting words I am telling to my ever dearest person which is you. Seek help from The One by the way you’ll learn, stick to it for every single time you need it. You’re doing good, just be stronger.

All the best, self. -Regards from the year 2018.-

As ever,
SALZY

I Forgive You, Daddy (Part 2)

Warning : This is a book review and it contains spoiler.
Genre : Non-fiction / Memoir | Rating : 5 stars

Excuse me? I am NOT done yet! For a book that is so emo-raging, psychotic and full of nightmares, I can’t just move on after writing a short review. I have a lot more to say, things that were disturbing my mind out of frustration thinking of the fate that struck this person, Lizzie.

Here are my personal extractions, three specific aspects that I wanna touch from the whole story; ones that make me feel so deeply moved. It may be a bit deviating from the actual topic but if you wanna read my review just on the book generally, it’s in my previous post here.

First, a father is the biggest influence in a child’s life.

This book mainly tells about the author’s horrible father who abused her mentally, physically and sexually. The father was the irresponsible one, the cruel one, the reason of all her miseries. But I tell you, the mother was no less! The mother was also alcoholic and she’s helpless at all. She was also irresponsible and physically abusive, and did not protect her even after she knew Lizzie was raped. Not as bad as the father but she was just typically hopeless. Her damaged childhood was the mistake of both of the parents, actually.

But, the title of the book is “I Forgive You, Daddy”, not “I Forgive You, Mummy & Daddy”. It really shows how a father’s actions could be so impactful towards the whole life of a person. A father determines the kind of person he’s raising through his natural guidance. And a child is naturally hopeful towards the father, rather than the mother, to be the lead of his/her life so when this is betrayed, the impact is gonna be so bad, really bad.

It’s not that a mother’s presence is not vital but from the story, it seems like Lizzie has this soft spot in her heart for her mother. She pitied her mother for being like that and knew it was all because of her dad.

I’ve heard of this once ~ “A broken child, is the failure of the father.” Not sure where to quote this from but it somehow makes sense. Some time ago I had this group conversation with, one of them, a lawyer-friend who specialized in Shari’ah Law and out of nowhere the topic was about a child’s custody after divorce.

It was just a casual chat but I was so surprised to know that in Islam, the principal custody for children after 7 and 9 years old (boy-girl) actually belongs to the father, not the mother! The mother may have the rights when the kids are babies up until those ages but after that they should be under the father’s custody. Even if the mother had the custody earlier, after reaching the stipulated ages, the father can like re-open the case to get the custody back and if all things right, he’ll definitely have the chance to win it. Whyyyyyyy??

Well, she said, of course our law is also very much concerned on women’s rights that anything can be fought after. But in the first place, the reason why the father has the primary rights on the kids is because, it is their res.pon.si.bi.li.ty. It’s more to their responsibility to educate them, to raise them to become the true caliphs on the earth. It’s the special power and capability given to a man that we called ‘Father’.

What about a mother? A mother is in a position to be pregnant for them, to take care of the pregnancy, to give birth, to breastfeed them and to nurture them with love and affection in the early years of life. Those are our responsibilities through the maternal nature granted in us. I come to realize that this is why we actually cannot question why do we women have to go through all these maternity pain and struggles, why not the men? In fact they’re not given wombs so it’s not their responsibility anyway. And in larger fact, later they will have a much bigger responsibility to shape the children to become human. And that is wayyyyy tougher job one must bear. Question is; are all fathers holding this responsibility in full trust?

I pity single mothers who got to face all these problems when they’re divorced – I mean the custody thing. No mothers would wanna let go the precious easily but if this is put in accordance to the religion, if the father is responsible and good, it’s actually okay to let the kids be under the father’s custody, right? Yeah, some men failed as a husband but not as a father. But sadly, we live in a community that if the custody was agreed to be under the father, then this mother will face humiliation from around her that she doesn’t love the kids enough and whatnot. What a sickening world is this!!

Okay I’ve gone too far already. The facts on Islamic custody were only based on the casual conversation I had so that may be lack of much info – disclaimer. Of course in parenting, together or separated, both parents have to play the roles together but how Islam put it in specific somehow tells us the influence each of the parents has on the children in living their lives. In growing up, a father is indeed the biggest influence in a child’s life.

Oh My God why am I talking so long about this?? I’m reaching my entry word-limit already but know what? I’m still not finished. To be continued…Part 3! Weeeeee…..

As ever,
SALZY