Good Bye 2018

Sigh..

I begin this with a “sigh”

2018…was a pretty difficult year to me, to be exact..a every emotional year to me.

I began it being pregnant, for half of the year. My third pregnancy, one that I felt the most difficult, took control over my self-bringing, daily productivity and motivation. I was tired all the time, I blamed the age-factor. I easily got annoyed over tiny issues and instantly got mad at people. The hormone went haywire, I was stressed like most of the time.

I was diagnosed with GDM the pregnancy diabetic so I had to control my sugar intake. It’s such a bore to have to be on diet during pregnancy, when our appetite was at peak. Well I just had to…for the sake of my baby.

In the middle of the year, my family was shaken with a very tragic news, our beloved Uncle passed away due to a fire incident in his home, that was due to a handphone blast when charged on bed. Well, that’s what we were told off. A month later, the police reclassified the case as a murder. A murder case happened in my family? To my Uncle which I knew such a nice person? How can I believe it?? And the investigation goes on and on until now, until a few more years may be…

I was so deeply impacted from the tragedy. I wasn’t personally very close to my late Uncle. But his oppressive passing had blown me with so much deliberation of life beyond my common understanding before this. Such a priceless way of Allah sending His messages to me. I can’t praise Him enough and I pray that my late Uncle’s soul rests in peace and justice will prevail for him…Ameen..

We moved house, in November. A house of our own.. my dream has come true. However, the reality of this dream-come-true dream is that it actually comes in a package of 1001 problems. Or challenges I might say. But unmanageable challenges eventually become problems overriding each other and a lot more things I’d better leave them untold..I’m so in a mess! And this is how I’m ending my 2018…..

I feel so down of all the bad things that happened this year but worse is I feel bad for being ungrateful.  It’s so conflicting.. I realize I have lots of things to be thankful for but at the same time I also had to focus on the problems I don’t get to solve immediately. Sometimes, I clearly know the reason why things happened the way it happened but I also have no control over it, like I can’t do anything about it. It’s going on and on..and currently every day is a struggle to motivate myself to move forward. It’s unseen, but the struggle is real.

Today I woke up and told myself its just a few days away to the New Year, I took a moment to count my blessings despite the clutters tangling on my head. Somehow, they created a smile on my face; a real one, a meaningful one.

This year, I welcomed a new member in my family; the ever dearest baby son ERRYSH ERDHEE. I remember the time before I got pregnant of him, when thinking of having another baby, I thought its just about what I want. I mean, it’s about me-wanting another baby just to grow my family with more kids and Allah grants me anyway. But actually now, when I look at him I realize that Allah grants me with him is not just to fulfill my prayer for what I want but actually…for what I NEED. Yes, I need this boy to be in my life now…in a way that I can’t explain. When I look at his cute pleasant face, I’m instantly happy and my heart is full. And so my other kids and husband..I love them all so much!

I processed this year on bumpy roads and wavy oceans. It wasn’t easy but along the way there were always pit stops for me take a break and reflect a moment. I keep hoping for better days to present in front of me and for it to stay long… in the next year, maybe!

Thank you 2018 for everything. Good bye….

As ever,
SALZY

A Travelogue of Flight Delays

delay

Day 1 ~ Friday, 20th January 2017

Flight was scheduled on 1:30pm. The moment we arrived at the gate, we’re told that the flight was not yet ready; we gotta wait for a while. (1st DELAY)

2:45pm. We were told the flight was delayed for 2 to 3 hours. We’re given a free Burger King voucher for lunch. (2nd DELAY)

Went to Burger King to redeem our food and the queue was? Let me just tell you that the whole passengers of the flight were given the same vouchers.

Got our food, sat somewhere and ate while eagerly waiting for the announcement.

5:00pm. Announcement – Flight was still not ready and the departure for today was cancelled. (3rd DELAY)

Being unsure of the next departure time, we’re told not to wait at the airport anymore. We’re given a hotel stay to check-in and rest.

6:40pm. Arrived at Everly Hotel in Putrajaya by bus, had free buffet dinner, and checked-in the room. Cleaned up, solat and rest.

9:45pm. They called to go down at the lobby at 10:30pm. We’re going back to the airport!

Day 2 ~ Saturday, 21st January 2017

12:00am. Arrived KLIA, checked-in. Departure time would be at 3:00am.

1:40am. Went through security, accessed waiting area, waited for boarding.

2:20am. Still at the waiting area, still not called for boarding and we heard a bit of a fuss going on – that some of the passengers were left behind at the hotel! These people; when others we’re rushing down with the hustle, they slept! Either they didn’t get the call to go down or they ignored the important call for being too tired maybe, I don’t know. But obviously, headcount was not done by the team (not our group).

40 minutes away to departure and this happened. And you know how long did it take to go back and forth from the airport to the hotel? 50 minutes times 2! Not including the time taken to walk in the airport from the gate to the check-in counter, security checkpoint until the boarding area. My God.

3:00am. The time we’re supposed to fly already, an announcement aired – the flight was delayed to 4:30am. This was sure because of the late people! With all the hassles since the day time, I started to become tired physically and mentally already. Not giving a damn about those people, I decided to sleep on the floor spreading my brother’s sarong and covered myself with a sweater. Zzz.. (4th DELAY)

4:10am. My brother woke me up to get ready to board as it’s almost 4:30am. 20 minutes to fly, the gate was still closed.

4:30am. The time we’re supposed to take off already, another announcement aired – that the flight was AGAIN cancelled. We’re not flying today due to – technical and safety issue on the plane. T_T (5th DELAY)

And again, we’re told to return to the hotel again and worse, we had to retrieve our entire luggage that we checked-in the first time and bring them together to the hotel. Imagine the trouble guys.

We arrived at the hotel at Subuh time and the whole day until night we were just there, stranded. Not knowing whether we’re actually gonna make it for umrah or not…….tsk tsk tsk

10:00pm. An announcement to gather at the lobby, we’re heading back to KLIA!

Day 3 ~ Sunday, 22nd January 2017

12:00am. Arrived KLIA, waited for check-ins. The flight was scheduled at 4:00am.

2:00am. Still not checked in – system down!

3:00am. System was up and running, but there’s a technical problem – wrong date stated on the boarding pass for all passengers! We’re still not checked-in, including all the luggage.

3:30am. Problem solved, we’re checked-in! Runnnnnn to the gate and, on board!! We’re finally seated on the plane!

4:45am. TOOK-OFF! Flew to Madinah Al-Munawwarah.

As ever,
SALZY

Disappointment

Some days are good, some days are bad. Some days are happy days, some days are disappointing. And today was just another day I got disappointed with myself. For again and again, the same regret.

At the office today, we had a short gathering with the whole floor for a little year-end wrap up. The leaders presented the overall agendas of the year that we’ve executed and involved, our achievements, pitfalls and whatnot. At the end of the session there was a quiz given for us to answer. The prize was two free movie tickets! The movie, date and time of own selection and they have two sets to offer.

I’m not a movie junkie but watching movie at the cinemas is one casual thing I’d think of doing once in a while. But every time also I’d rather not spend on this because you know, even if I had extra money to binge on, cinemas would be the among the last things on the list. So these free tickets would make my next visit to the cinema! I want ittttt…!!

The topic earlier was about all the great effort the company has done for the employees so the question was this – “What are you going to tell others out there about working in BP? Raise your hand!”

Was the question so hard to answer? Hey. I told you I loveeee working in here so much I have long list of reasons why and what makes this place a good place to work and I have a lot to tell others and bla bla bla.

But now was not about what I have in mind. It’s about raising my hand and voicing it out!! But what happened to my hands?? They’re clipped together soooo tightly and there was like elephant glue spread thickly in between my armpits. Being typical Asians, volunteering is just a big deal! Me being coward as always though I thought I’ve told myself to always be brave, take the chance and have a go no matter how it would turn out. I told myself most time we more often regret those things which we do not do than those which we do.

But no. That was just actually a fake pledge. When the time actually comes, I’m just being my lame self who forgets whatever motivations I had planted in my minds before. They’re all just dying inside and sprouting back uncertainty, shyness and excuses. And so I missed the chance! And so I missed that two free movie ticketttttsss!!!

Such a loser again. And you know what the winners answered the question with? The first one said about the opportunity to improve the processes basically about work but the way she said was just like shooting whatever words from the mouth which equals to bla bla bla and yeah she got it. I thought ah okay I got a stronger point but urmm…wait…urmmm….nah, another person has raised her hand and you know what she answered?? “I will tell others that BP is a great place to work.” That’s all. THAT WAS ALL with no further explanation and the director nodded with “yes yes and here’s your prize.” And what made it worse was she’s sitting just beside me! What the hell was I thinking???

I’m just so so disappointed with myself. You see, it’s not totally about the prize or what but it’s actually about missing the chance. It’s the regret of not trying. It’s the useless overthinking and wasting the time that never waits! Why am I like this? Huhuhu…. I told my husband this and he just said that ‘ah it’s just not your rezeki today’ but no, it’s not plainly about rezeki but it’s about effort too.

I once read an article about “How to be Lucky?” haha something like that. It says that most times lucky people are not genuinely lucky. They usually make effort to get themselves in the lucky-list no matter how little the chance of winnings. Competitions on TVs, radios or whatever advertisement with simple conditions yet amazing prizes; these ‘lucky people’ would take the chance, do whatever they gotta do and just wait and see. And always when we see people winning this and that we’d say oh how lucky they are but hey no, how could they win it if they didn’t even enter their names? It’s all about the effort that counts.

I’m just so so disappointed with myself today and I have no more motivational words to tell myself. Thanks for reading, sorry for the negative vibes. 😦

Till the next post,
SALZY