“Invest in the quality and wellness of life.” – Salzy Mommyhood
After this, most of my stories will revolve around motherhood…back to the original purpose of this blog being created. Because, I’m just ‘promoted’ to a new title I never thought I would be…. A MOTHER OF FIVE!
Yes, it’s true, it’s real. Cliché kalau asyik nak cakap macam tak percaye sikit2 tak percaya. So let’s just accept the fact. I, the most unmotherly person could possibly have 5 kids of my own?? Being a caesarean mother since the first birth, I never thought I would ever have more than 4 kids, okay.
Kira maksimum mesti 4 jelah lepas tu ikat. Kuasa Allah, dia bagi kita TWINS. This last pregnancy, dah la unexpected a.k.a accidental! But then boleh pulak jadi dua. Rezeki.. Rezeki.
Itulah my current status update. I am now a mother to 3 handsome boys and 2 beautiful twin daughters. A wife to my wonderful husband, living life of Allah’s beautiful plans. Syukur.
Apa yang let loose nya? Haha. Hi, I’m back! After 9 months since the last post. Well it’s still good it hasn’t passed one year. I was on a blogging hiatus again…due to too many things occupying myself since… August. Yeah, “Awful August” that I wrote last year.
But hey… It was just a beginning and there was a plot twist! Little did I know, the thing that followed thru was THE MOST WONDERFUL thing ever. MasyaAllah.
I’m owing a lot to this blog, which means a lottt to myself. So today I decided to just let loose to gain the momentum back. The writing momentum.
Usually when I feel like writing again, I will re-visit this blog and re-read my entries randomly. Most times, I will thank myself for writing all those, for taking time to drill my brain with wordings which I know not easy for me. I’m not a vocab-towkay and my English is poor…yet I wanna blog in English, huh?! Haha.
Maka that’s why lah I was thinking… Tak payah nak speaking2 lah.. Just write in Malay, just write campur2, just tell a story, just sit down and bleed, just let loose!!
Okay, baik. With this new approach… Let’s do this!! Till the next….
This post appears on the see-my-memories section on FB today. I totally remember what happened this day, two years ago.
How can I forget it? It was too bad, very bad. I couldn’t believe things like that could happen, yet it happened for real.
Embarrassing. It was totally embarrassing and damaging this one person did and put the families to shame.
With disappointment, I sat and tried to calm myself, trying to understand why it happened? Things were already bad now became worst. Just, why……? 😥
I couldn’t find the wisdom, I was left puzzled and still couldn’t accept it. I still wished it never happened. I hoped it was just a bad dream.
Then I stopped questioning. Then I poured all my feelings to God, I talked to God. About the incident, and the offender, everything.. crying.
And I found this du’a. It’s a du’a that when I first read, was a hit on my head. I felt like it was all I need and I’d specially address this to. It was a relieve this du’a gave me for every time I recited it. It didn’t change my feelings toward but at least I could move on life with redha.
Sacredly earlier this year, Allah has granted my prayer. That particular prayer. Subhanallah. I never thought things can change like this. Allah did His magic, He unveiled a secret and tweaks a life long conflict in a miraculous way. MasyaAllah!
Problem solved with a plus – a reminder to me that He indeed listens and He cares of all my whimpers.
I was sitting with my planner recapping my month and I become so dreadful. August, I entered this month with full of hopes but what turned out throughout were upheavals. Chaos, this is my chaotic month of the year 😦
At times, I feel like I’ve lost myself at some points. Too many things are happening around me my mind feels so overloaded. I sometimes found me frowning without I even noticed for how long already.
But most of the time actually, I am in the calmest state of self. Happy, still happy with my life and family despite major uncertainties lying ahead. I’m okay, I guess I’m still very okay.
Then it’s suddenly the 31st already. It’s a wrap of the month and I hope a wrap of all hardships too. Will just keep moving on with the time cause things can change… by time.
My dad is one who brought so much values into my lives, mostly through kinda indirect ways. There is one important reminder from him, an inheriting lesson that I will always hold on to till the end of my breath.
“My father never gave up on me until I became what I wanted to be. So I would never give up on my kids. Now that you’re a parent, you also should never give up on your children.” – My Dad, Dr. Malek Hassan, whom I called by Abah.
Thank you Abah for the reminder. Yeah, children are always a blessing, a bundle of joy and a source of happiness. Nevertheless, no child is perfect even we are never perfect to our parents. Even we, along the ways of growing up, must have troubled our parents in many ways done or destined.
When the time comes, when a difficulty strikes at a point of my parenting journey, I will remember my dad’s advice. I will never give up on my kids for no matter what. I’ll be there and do whatever I could, with all the strength that’s inspirited by my dad. You’re an example, Happy Father’s Day.
I entered the Ramadhan month of this year with only one aim, unlike previous years. I usually had a list of religious practices that I want to do extra specially for the noblest period. But this year I told myself I wanna do, of course many things, but mainly my focus is only one but I wanna do in abundant. Which, I want to istighfar a lot, a lotttt, all time.
It’s 27th day of fasting month, guys. This year I kicked off 4 days fasting then straightaway went on menstrual for 11 days! 11 days guys I have to replace this year. Haha even if I complete Puasa 6 I will still need to perform 5 more days which is haha a lot! Well, I’ll do, I’ll do..
So after I finished my ‘holiday’ and returned to fasting, it’s suddenly halfway already! It’s sooo fast I can’t believe, and now that we have entered the golden period, the last 10 nights that’s hidden the Lailatul Qadr. May we be given the chance to meet the night, Ameen.
For Ramadhan normally we’ll have this ritual agenda, which to have iftar sessions with the big families. Alhamdulillah, we managed to spend one long weekend in JB with my family and another long weekend with the in-laws. Such a good time! I even had the chance to go for taraweeh with my mom, thank you Allah. And another agenda is; Ramadhan buffet. Hehe.. Oh not to forget, Raya shopping! Ah can you see… This is why fasting month seems so short obviously, but Alhamdulillah we settled down early.
This year as I anticipated, I can’t go to the mosque for taraweeh as I have a baby and I don’t feel like bringing him there. So I missed many nights but for several times, I did it together with my husband at home.
Our congregational taraweeh prayers are always more special to me than our daily ones. Why? Because this is the time my husband will recite longer and non-common surah by having the Quran placed in front of him while praying. He will use this very big Quran that we have at home, one which we use only once a year.
You know, the big Quran is so special to me as it was my hantaran to him on our wedding. It’s common to have a Quran as the gift right, but the unusual is putting the large-sized one on the tray. But it’s my wish to own it because it reminds me of my beloved late grandma.
My grandma (passed on 15 years ago) had had a very big Quran which she bought in Mecca if I’m not mistaken. She put it nicely on a rehal at this one isolated prayer corner in her room together with her very thick velvety sajadah, tasbih and islamic books; and she always spent her time reciting Quran and meditating there after her prayers. That’s the image recorded in my mind whenever I think of her, and the big Quran will always be the highlight. Oh how I miss my grandma sooooo much!!
That’s why to make it special, I gifted the big Quran to my husband on our wedding to symbolic companionship throughout our marriage. But then after we unwrapped all the gifts and stuff from the wedding and he saw the Quran, he told me that he doesn’t like big Qurans. He prefers just a small, compact one, easier to hold and read. The smaller, the better; he said.
I was like, ha….? How can he not appreciate this this is so special, you know? But then okay I realized I was just being too sentimental about it and its just me. It’s about my grandma I was reminiscing on and not his haha. And so the Quran was left unused, I felt bad. Even if I thought it’s okay I’ll be the one to use it because I like it anyway but somehow, convenience wins over fancy elements, no? It’s so bothersome to handle it due to its bulkiness when the purpose is so long as we can see the wordings clearly, that should be enough.
Until a few years back when we started to have taraweeh sessions at home due to some limitation for me to go to mosque, my husband began to use the big Quran and I’m happy that it’s finally useful. Alhamdulillah. For what they say “Couples that pray together stay together;” may Allah bless my husband, my imam, show him His guidance and keep him on the straight path, Ameen.
Now we’re already in the last 10 days of Ramadhan, the annual precious finale. This Ramadhan is so packed of lessons and thoughts from the unexpected occurrences in my own family and the people surrounding me. Despite the trouble that spiked us recently, we still had a smooth sailing fasting month and was not totally bothered. That’s the beauty of Ramadhan, keeping you focused on the greatness so we pray a lot and never lose hope. This is, another Ramadhan to remember.
Lastly, I never had these wishes before but for once they crossed my mind, heartening me to pray for these two. One is to have the opportunity to be in the Holy Lands in the last 10 days of Ramadhan, and another one is hoping to die in Ramadhan, just like the lucky chosen ones!
Two months ago when we came to pick up our kids from the school one day, we (and other parents too) were given a cylinder money can covered with a poster of AMAN PALESTINE TABUNG RAMADHAN KAREEM (picture above). I was a little curious firstly. I’m familiar with this Aman Palestine Organization but a bit confused about the money can that’s distributed to the lil caliphs. My instant thoughts were…
Are they asking my kids to collect money for donation….?
Do my kids have to go around public area thrusting the money can to people a bit like begging…?
Oh. My. Kids……
Okay don’t get wrong first. After all, that’s not the purpose. The teacher told us that the Aman Palestine reps came today and did some activities with the kids and launched this Tabung Ramadhan Kareem, the programme they called “1 House 1 Fund“. They gave it then in March and to be returned somewhere in May during Ramadhan month with as much collections.
Such a good idea, right! Just like any piggy banks we have at home, now we have this. It makes it a simple kind of charity where we can just lump all coins scattered around the house all in this special piggy bank. Yeaa we have so many coins everywhere which we don’t even bother to keep properly. Oh not to forget big notes from the purse also cause why not! Even more special, every cent contribution is already purposed for the people in Palestine. May Allah bless our charity and their effort.
In the letter from the school, they mentioned that it’s just for home placement and we’re not allowed to collect from the public. I got pheww when I read that haha but hey I don’t mean to picture that like a child beggar if in case it’s allowed, but I just instantly flashed back to a time when I was still in primary school.
I still remember there was a school programme where we’re required to ask for donation. That was launched during Ramadhan like this for us to run it during Eid when we go balik kampung. Strategically that’s the time the kids will see their relatives and more people, huh.
So we’re given a booklet for us to list down the donater’s names, the amount they contributed and a signature column. Its for donation I repeat but also, they made it as a competition! Who collects the highest amount will win prizes. They had hampers, for the runner-ups etc and guess what the winner got? A bicycle! Collect-donation-to-win-a-bicycle. Sounds improper? Well, that’s not what I thought back then.
Cut it short, back in kampung for raya, I didn’t get to get on with it. I thought I wanna go around my uncles and aunties and all houses that I visited for raya and collect donation from them, on top of the angpow they’re giving me but mom didn’t allow me to. I was like, whyyyy Ma? Why can’t I do this? It’s for charity and if I could accumulate much, I could win prizes okay! She just gave me an uneasy reaction. She then told me she would give me money and I fill in whoever’s names and amount in it. So I created a fake list and my mom contributed everything. God bless you Ma.
Now that I’ve grown up and become a parent myself, I understand my mom’s act better. Being an adult means having responsibilities on our shoulder. Eid season is totally a fun time for kids but for adults, it’s about a long list to check and budgets to adhere to. Not everyone is well off, guys. We’d never know behind a smiley face celebrating Eid, hidden a pocket full of holes. Being a naive kid I might be approaching wrong individuals so that’s what my mother didn’t want to happen, I suppose. Just being understanding of our other relatives.
After all, doing charity is a very good deed especially when we’re at the giving end, even more those who worked for it voluntarily, I’m impressed! The Aman Palestine initiative is one that I like, and thought of continuing it on our own. InsyaAllah.
And speaking of Palestine, I pray for Allah to give our brothers and sisters over there the highest level of strength, patience and taqwa, save them from all the terrorism and for one day they will be free from all the evil and crime of the Israeli. Ameen.
When I think of them, this one song will rhyme in my mind and will remind me to keep praying for them. Inviting you to listen ~ “Palestine Tomorrow Will Be Free” by Maher Zain
I feel so distracted whenever I open my social media page and its showing the recent post that captured my eyes and when I was just about to focus and read the post, suddenly the page refreshes and its gone. Now that its not showing in the order from the latest to the oldest posts so even if I scroll down on I still couldn’t find the post just now. Have you encountered the same situation as mine?
So there was this one post that I managed to read the whole thing and yes suddenly it disappeared. I remember the points and what it wants to convey. It really gave a significant impact to myself for some time, kept me staring to the ceiling through many nights thinking of what it said.
After sooo long, I think about a year or two.. I’m still holding on to the words and that have become my motivator whenever I’m feeling a melancholy. I wanted to share it on my wall but I couldn’t find the post again and didn’t catch the friend who posted it. How disturbing it is, right?! Now I tell myself, every time I catch a post and it seems interesting, before I properly read it through, I’d first capture the person who posted it. It’s so important! Hah.
Now, back to the post I was talking about. I wanna write it down here for my own keepsakes, before I totally forget it cause at this age and with my attention-demanding life, I don’t totally trust my memory box. I don’t even remember the exact wordings anymore but the points are there and this is my version.
In a room, there are 12 people sitting on a round table facing each other. They’re problematic, depressed people. They’re required to write down their problems on a small board and put it on display so everyone can see it.
Now, every one is given a chance to exchange their problems with one another. They can choose other’s problem that they prefer to own and give away their problems to others who want it. Conditionally, none of them could leave without a takeaway.
There goes, they go through each other’s written board before decided to pick one.
After a while, slowly, all of them pull down their own board and keep it with them. No exchanges happened during the session.
I don’t know about you, and I don’t know whether this story is true or created but no matter what, this story is too deep for me. Hit me hard on the head about life versus problems, I reflect all these….
Guys and me self too, our lives our problems our situation are all meant for us, respectively for us. Always remember that we are all exclusive in the eyes of Allah, He designed our lives exquisitely for us to live by and deal with everything in it with the guidance from Him. Why would we want things differently? Why would we wanna be in the shoes of others’?
And so all our problems, no matter how small or big they are, believe that they are faultlessly drawn by Allah with us as the main cast in it. How special is that? One thing is for sure, there must be tests from Allah because this is what this life is for. Just like how the people in the story above, they can’t leave empty-handedly. Problems, calamities and tribulations are a must life-element.
Hence, know that every single one on earth does have problems in life. We can’t see everything but that’s for sure. And their problems are not designed for us to fit our characters and values so don’t wish to experience it for them nor they to experience ours. We see others’ wonderful lives and we’d wish to have theirs. But really if we know what’s included in the ‘package’, we gotta be at loss for words. Everyone has his own battle.
Treat our life challenges with care, appreciate them as they’re the bridge to get us closer to Allah and understand that they’re meant to be difficult. We gotta face it. We can’t wish for a problem-free life and in fact, do not wish for that cause it’s actually more terrible. Instead, ask for ease and ask for help to go through things more calmly.
Remember for every time a problem struck, do not wish to run away. Tell ourselves that this is addressed to me, this is mine and I believe I can face it. Let’s do this!
Warning : This is a book review and it contains spoiler.
Genre : Non-fiction / Memoir | Rating : 5 stars
Excuse me? I am NOT done yet! For a book that is so emo-raging, psychotic and full of nightmares, I can’t just move on after writing a short review. I have a lot more to say, things that were disturbing my mind out of frustration thinking of the fate that struck this person, Lizzie.
Here are my personal extractions, three specific aspects that I wanna touch from the whole story; ones that make me feel so deeply moved. It may be a bit deviating from the actual topic but if you wanna read my review just on the book generally, it’s in my previous post here.
First, a father is the biggest influence in a child’s life.
This book mainly tells about the author’s horrible father who abused her mentally, physically and sexually. The father was the irresponsible one, the cruel one, the reason of all her miseries. But I tell you, the mother was no less! The mother was also alcoholic and she’s helpless at all. She was also irresponsible and physically abusive, and did not protect her even after she knew Lizzie was raped. Not as bad as the father but she was just typically hopeless. Her damaged childhood was the mistake of both of the parents, actually.
But, the title of the book is “I Forgive You, Daddy”, not “I Forgive You, Mummy & Daddy”. It really shows how a father’s actions could be so impactful towards the whole life of a person. A father determines the kind of person he’s raising through his natural guidance. And a child is naturally hopeful towards the father, rather than the mother, to be the lead of his/her life so when this is betrayed, the impact is gonna be so bad, really bad.
It’s not that a mother’s presence is not vital but from the story, it seems like Lizzie has this soft spot in her heart for her mother. She pitied her mother for being like that and knew it was all because of her dad.
I’ve heard of this once ~ “A broken child, is the failure of the father.” Not sure where to quote this from but it somehow makes sense. Some time ago I had this group conversation with, one of them, a lawyer-friend who specialized in Shari’ah Law and out of nowhere the topic was about a child’s custody after divorce.
It was just a casual chat but I was so surprised to know that in Islam, the principal custody for children after 7 and 9 years old (boy-girl) actually belongs to the father, not the mother! The mother may have the rights when the kids are babies up until those ages but after that they should be under the father’s custody. Even if the mother had the custody earlier, after reaching the stipulated ages, the father can like re-open the case to get the custody back and if all things right, he’ll definitely have the chance to win it. Whyyyyyyy??
Well, she said, of course our law is also very much concerned on women’s rights that anything can be fought after. But in the first place, the reason why the father has the primary rights on the kids is because, it is their res.pon.si.bi.li.ty. It’s more to their responsibility to educate them, to raise them to become the true caliphs on the earth. It’s the special power and capability given to a man that we called ‘Father’.
What about a mother? A mother is in a position to be pregnant for them, to take care of the pregnancy, to give birth, to breastfeed them and to nurture them with love and affection in the early years of life. Those are our responsibilities through the maternal nature granted in us. I come to realize that this is why we actually cannot question why do we women have to go through all these maternity pain and struggles, why not the men? In fact they’re not given wombs so it’s not their responsibility anyway. And in larger fact, later they will have a much bigger responsibility to shape the children to become human. And that is wayyyyy tougher job one must bear. Question is; are all fathers holding this responsibility in full trust?
I pity single mothers who got to face all these problems when they’re divorced – I mean the custody thing. No mothers would wanna let go the precious easily but if this is put in accordance to the religion, if the father is responsible and good, it’s actually okay to let the kids be under the father’s custody, right? Yeah, some men failed as a husband but not as a father. But sadly, we live in a community that if the custody was agreed to be under the father, then this mother will face humiliation from around her that she doesn’t love the kids enough and whatnot. What a sickening world is this!!
Okay I’ve gone too far already. The facts on Islamic custody were only based on the casual conversation I had so that may be lack of much info – disclaimer. Of course in parenting, together or separated, both parents have to play the roles together but how Islam put it in specific somehow tells us the influence each of the parents has on the children in living their lives. In growing up, a father is indeed the biggest influence in a child’s life.
Oh My God why am I talking so long about this?? I’m reaching my entry word-limit already but know what? I’m still not finished. To be continued…Part 3! Weeeeee…..