How to Forgive People

Or decoratively, ‘the art of forgiving people.’

I don’t know about you but me, this is one of my life struggles – to forgive people, who’s hurt me, ill-treated me mentally emotionally or simply annoyed me on any fine days. It’s not that I never forgive people but as for me for many, many years, forgiving is a neutral thing. When I feel like I have no hard feelings on the issues anymore, that’s when I already forgave them, even without them apologizing.

I even said that, I don’t need people to apologize to me. I don’t buy apologies because to me “sorry DOESN’T seem to be the hardest word ” if I could twist your lyrics, Elton John! Some people would just easily utter “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it” but hey did you actually NOT mean… Your sorry? That what actually hurts more.

Time heals that’s what I always hold on to. For no matter how upsetting things could be, by time… I will be okay, on my own, with God’s help. But it also can be too longggg to get into that okay state, sometimes it could be years and in that journey, I was all struggling inside. Time heals everything but know that we won’t have it forever. One day it will end, and what if it is when we are still not done with this forgiving matter?

People always say, forgive people and you’ll be happier. Forgive people every night before sleep but just… how?? How to actually forgive and not just be pretentious or sabarrr? How to do that when you don’t even feel it, when people are not even sorry about it?

Here’s the art! As I struggled along the way I’ve tried many tips…some worked but mostly failed but theseee… are gold points! 3 gold points I just got from a book I read. Sharing with you guys…hope this helps!

First, always remember that ‘what Allah wills happens and what He has not willed never happens.’ Including the act of the person who has hurt you. Yes, it’s bad, what the person said or did is cruel but hey tell yourself that Allah yang dah izinkan dia berbuat begitu kepadaku. Allah could protect me, Allah could stop the words or deeds from reaching me but not now. He allowed it to happen and there’s nothing to do with the person who did or said that. If we’re being sick with that person, does that mean we’re sick with Allah, now? Could we? No, and please don’t.

So yes, understand and absorb this first. And for the moment you’re angry just now, istighfar! Being angry to the person means you’re angry to Allah too so please stop right away. Calm down, don’t reply anything, just istighfar. Innalillahiwainnailaihirajiun….kepada-Nya aku kembali. Shift your focus from the person to the Almighty as you return to Him ilaihi rajiun…

The second point is something that I’ve been doing…always. Is to look inward…. Look at ourselves. Adakah apa yang org tu buat, is actually reflecting ourselves? Pernah tak dengar orang ckp, whenever dia dikhianati org dia akan cakap, “ha kau buat kat aku hari ni nanti esok orang buat kat kau pulak”. Like a karma what you give you’ll get back. But, does the person realize that dia mungkin pernah buat kat orang lain dulu, sebab tu la dia kena hari ni, betul tak? Always when we’re down, kita takkan fikir pon macam tu. Kita hanya fikir kita jelah yang dizalimi dan betapa jahatnya mulut orang tu.
That’s what I always talk back to myself bila2 tersentap dgn kata2 orang. Selalu akan cakap kat diri sendiri aku pon bukannya baik sangat, tu la pernah cakap mcm ni mcm tu kat org now kan dah kene balik. Terus akan rasa menyesal and recall my wrongdoings. This will set myself away from insulting back and again, there’s nothing to do with the ‘hater’.

Well, eventhough sometimes you’ll say that no, I never did that to people but remember, adversities happen because of our own sins…any sins that we don’t know. Be busy seeking repentance and admit that this is due to my wrongdoings…

Two points are done. The first one is in relation to God and the second is in relation to ourselves. Now, what about the person – the visible object in this issue. You can try to forget what they say but at the end of the day, you can’t avoid the person at all cost. Sometimes the person is your close person takkan nak putus hubungan pulak? Thing can go back to normal but your vision to the person is not the same again coz your heart now are full of patches, not like before. So how do we do? How to even clear the patches?

Third point, and the golden point to me!

Remember if we forgive, Allah will forgive us. We knew this, but why is it still hard for us to forgive? Because we forget the chance! Yes, being in a state of forgiving someone is actually a chance for us to gain Allah’s pardon.
Ada tak rasa bila kita berdoa minta ampun pada Allah, we don’t even feel it. Ya Allah ampunkan aku, but we don’t even cry regretting our sins. And now is the time, we’re hurt, we’re sad, and it’s the time Allah will surely pardon us, bila kita maafkan orang lain. Allah will honour us. The moment to bow down wholeheartedly with tears, isn’t that precious?

Now, imagine yourself looking at the person who hurt you and THANK THEM! Thank you for hurting me now Allah will pardon me. You’re the means for me to gain Allah’s compassion. Because of you, I get into the state of remembrance.. recalling my sins and remembering Allah.
And I believe you’re kind, you’re not mean and today, you’re specially godsent! I forgive you, Lillahi Taala.

As ever,

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